How to Get More Affection (For Men)

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

Does your lover ever say to you, "Why are you so defensive!?"
Does she say, "You never listen..."

What we need to understand is that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response. 

When feeling threatened, our ancestors would fight back to keep from being eaten by a bigger or more aggressive or powerful creature. Be it wild animal or another person. 

If we can recognize that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response, we can gain more control over unpleasant emotions and arguments.

---

Here is a common example:

Woman: Why aren't you listening to me? You never listen to me!

Man (defensive response): What are you talking about! I'm sitting right here, I've been listening to you all day, I was listening to you Monday afternoon... Tuesday all day. I busted my ass so you could have everything the way you wanted for Christmas. I've been listening to you all week! How can you say I'm not listening!" 

And the argument is on...

What would happen if you tried this response instead: 

Woman: Why aren't you listening to me? You never listen to me!

Man (accepting attitude): Really? It seems like I never listen to you? Tell me what that means to you...

Notice there's nothing in there about apologizing or agreeing to do anything.

And then listen to whatever she has to say. Hear what she's saying if you love her. 

If you want more sex, become a better listener. This is the best aphrodisiac for a woman if her man listens and really gets it!  He doesn't have to agree or obey. He doesn't have to be ripped or have millions of dollars to get his woman's devotion. Just listen... take what she says into consideration. Let her know what she has to say matters to you.

You may be thinking... "You don't understand! How can I listen to that!  I'm sick of it, she attacks me."

If you feel attacked by what she says, try:

Man: That doesn't feel good at all. I feel like I've done something wrong, tell me what you mean.

And listen to what she says. With a good attitude please. Acceptance is different from agreement. Accept what she's saying in that moment as her truth. You may not like it. You may not agree. Your truth is different from hers right now. That's okay. 

If it gets too heated try:

Man: That doesn't feel good at all, I'm going for a walk to cool off. 

Notice there's nothing in this like, "You're hysterical... I'm outta here!"

An argument and hurt feelings will be averted, and you may learn something you need to know.

And you get to go out for awhile and relax.

Go for a walk and understand that she is doing the best she can from where she is right now. And focus yourself on what you love and appreciate about her. Please don't stomp around the block thinking about what a b---- she is, and everything about her that she needs to change or improve. Success in love is about what you choose to focus on. 

What you focus on expands and gains momentum. It's in your own best interest to focus on what you like and love about her.

If, however, everything she says and does irritates you, and you want to change her all the time, teach her a lesson, make her stop talking, it's probably time to move on. 

In fact, I hope you will move on. Change things before cheating happens and you end up being the total bad guy.