Resolving Conflicts: Focus on Interests not Positions

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

It has been said that a relationship is a lot like a chess match. To win is to gain love, respect and acceptance and the material things we need not just for surviving, but also for thriving.

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And which of my pieces might I have to negotiate away to get the things I most need and want as we move through our daily lives together?

When you are working on challenges, conflicts and unwanted patterns with your loved ones, think about the rules you have created for the game of your relationship, and I challenge you consider...

Which game are you playing?

The Rules A (Are you the placator?)

• Participants are friends
  
• The goal is agreement
• Make concessions to improve the relationship 
• Take care of others' feelings
• Trust others
• Make offers
• Be soft on the people and the problem
• Attitude of guilt or fear
• Try to avoid
• Yield to pressure

The Rules B (Are you the tyrant?)

• Participants are adversaries
  
• The goal is victory
• Demand certain behavior as a condition of the relationship
• Don't really care about feelings
• Distrust others
• Make threats
• Be hard on the people  and the problem
• Exacting or punitive
• Insist on winning
• Manipulation

How about if we try this instead?:

• We go into the negotiation with the belief that participants are problem solvers.
  
• Each person takes the time to hear and understand the other.
• Disagreement is tolerated and listened to.
• Ask "What is it that you really need here?" and listen carefully to the answer.
  
• Make it clear that polite and careful listening does not equal agreement or obedience.
• When we disagree, we avoid blaming, criticizing and complaining.
  
• Focus on the "interests" of each person, "What does each person need to gain in this situation?
  
• Invent options for mutual gain, "How can we both get what we want here?"
• Be reasonable and yield to what makes sense and is fair rather than demanding or posturing.  
  
• The goal is a wise outcome reached efficiently and peacefully.
  
• We end the negotiation feeling closer to each other and mutually supported for that moment.
• We build these positive moments one after another creating a winning relationship.