Rebuilding Your Relationship After a Cyber-Affair is Discovered

10/21/2015

by Carol L. Meylan, LCSW

We understand that maybe you never even met this Cyber Lover. And maybe you never had sex. Or maybe it did progress to that level, but meant 'nothing'.

Understand that your real-life partner may be as devastated as if you were having a full-blown love affair.

You too are devastated because now you've ruined everything. For nothing. You deeply love your partner and want to heal the relationship.

You want your old life back where you loved and trusted each other.
What You Can Start Doing Now to Make that Happen...

First of all, you need to come to grips with the fact that a Cyber Affair is cheating. You were emotionally and verbally intimate with someone else. The person who cheated has to acknowledge this damage to self, others and the relationship, and make a commitment to do what it takes to rebuild credibility and re-establish trust and vulnerability. This takes time and consistency: there is no easy fix.

Here is a broad outline of steps to take to rebuild trust:

END the Affair. I mean, really end it! Stop all contacts with this person. No texts, no emails, no Facebook messages. No contact. The best way to do this is to write the Cyber Person an email saying that you need to end the relationship and will not have any further contact. And then do not answer if the Cyber Person tries to contact you. Stay firm and focused on where you are going with your life.
Agree to complete openness with your partner. This means that you will allow your partner to read your email and texts when requested. You willingly allow listening to your voice mail messages. Naturally this feels like an invasion of your privacy, and of course it is an invasion of normal privacy! But this is not a normal situation, and loss of privacy is part of the price you pay for having betrayed your partner. Or one could say, 'loss of privacy' is a natural consequence of cheating if the person wants to stay in the relationship'. Eventually, as trust is re-established, checking will diminish.
She needs to tell you about the anger, shame, humiliation, fear and guilt she is experiencing: her change in self-identity, her loss of specialness to you, her loss of confidence and control over her own life; loss of her dreams. She may also be struggling with a total change in her feelings toward you. She may want to punish you, and may even feel like she hates you.... which can be a scary and unfamiliar situation for both of you. Couples and individual therapy can help.
Offer a meaningful apology. Write a letter of apology and read it to her. The letter needs to describe very specifically how you have hurt her, such as “I am sorry for the pain I caused you. I paid more attention to a woman on the Internet than to the woman I live with. I made you question your own desirability and self-worth.” (Let us know if you need help writing such a letter.)
Work to rebuild trust. If you want to regain your connection to her, you will need to listen without getting defensive over and over to how terrible she feels. She will need you to listen to her express her emotions many, many times. You need to learn how to be patient and reassuring... forgiveness will take time.
.Work to earn forgiveness. Demonstrate complete reliability. This will begin to make her feel safe and trusting again.
Keep your word. Keep all promises that you make to her. If you make a promise to be somewhere, show up early. If you promise to do something, do it.
Genuinely pay attention to her. Comment on the qualities you like and admire in her. Make her feel special.
Take responsibility for your actions. Reflect on what you did and figure out what compelled you to seek out intimacy with a stranger. Were you bored? Did you simply enjoy the attention from a new person? Or were you lonely and feeling disconnected from your partner?
If you used a Cyber Affair to distract you from underlying problems with your partner, now is the time to address those problems. Seek out a couples therapist who can help you and your partner re-connect and rebuild intimacy.

0 Comments