Process For Getting Over Something (Part 2)

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

Following is a process for learning how to let our emotions be what they are and express them in a way that brings us closer. 

In order to express our emotions, we have to risk being vulnerable. This can be difficult, because we often associate vulnerability with getting hurt. It can seem risky for us to allow ourselves to come into touch with our emotions.

In order to get over something, it is useful to risk being vulnerable and tell the complete truth about how we are feeling.

To start with, do this process by yourself. You can decide later if you want to talk about it, or write in a letter, but for now, when you are upset about something, start practicing telling the truth about how you are feeling… at least to yourself.

Do the following process:

Get to a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.

Express yourself at each level before moving on to the next. 

Here are some statements to help get you started expressing yourself at each level.

Level 1: Express anger, resentment, blame

I hate it when…

I’m totally fed up with…

I blame you for…

I’m incredibly angry about…

This is why I’m angry about it…

This is not the time to be delicate with your emotions, this is the time to express the darkest, most nitty-gritty way you may be feeling. Once you have expressed all the anger, move on to Level 2, etc.

Level 2: Express disappointment, sadness, hurt

I’m so sad that…

I’m incredibly disappointed…

It makes me so hurt that…

This is why it hurts…



Level 3: Express fears, insecurities, bad memories

 I’m so afraid…

What I’m truly afraid of is…

It scares me when…

It reminds me of…



Level 4: Express understanding, empathy, responsibility

I’m sorry that…

Please forgive me for…

I understand how difficult it must be for you because…

It is completely understandable that…



Level 5: Express intention, wishes, connection

I would like to…

I wish that…

I’m hoping for…

I forgive you for…

I really do love you, I care what you think about me.

I think it would be a good idea to...

I appreciate you because…

I love you because…

Once you have done this process, you have expressed the complete truth about you feel. Healing ourselves and our relationships depends on our willingness to go to every single level and learn to tell the truth. This is also often the sort of thing we do in the office in Emotionally Focused Therapy.

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