Seven Practical Tips to Improve Your Relationships

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

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It's time to stop blaming yourself or controlling your partner when you feel unhappy or dissatisfied. 

Maybe it's getting annoying to be told this yet again, but good listening skills are a number one predictor of success in relationships... Especially when you're angry or your expectations aren't being met. Here's how you can improve your relationship without losing yourself in the process.

Signs That the Communication Needs to Improve

• I hear myself yelling at someone consistently
• I am being yelled at or criticized frequently
• I feel shut down and unable to get my point across
• We are stalled on our projects or fiances
• I feel like our relationship is stuck
• I feel under-appreciated
• We 'never' get anything resolved

Why It Can Be Difficult to Listen

• What I am hearing and/or seeing makes me feel bad.​
• I feel pressured to do something I don't want to do.
• Someone wants me to stop doing something I want to do. 
• I feel criticized, blamed or shamed by what the person is saying.
• I feel attacked.
• I'm triggered by past trauma listening to this.
• I'm tired, exhausted, hungry, overwhelmed

Alternative Communication Strategies

1. Practice 'Listening Does Not Equal Agreement or Obedience'
Many people often hate listening because it makes them feel defensive or pressured or they think it obligates them to obey, condone or agree. To start with, use the phrases below to clarify that listening does not equal obedience. That way it will be easier for you to listen and allow the person to speak. Accept your loved one's attempts at communicating with you, however imperfect.

Adopt an attitude that says, I honor and love you as a person even though I may not agree with what you are saying right now. 

To implement, say something like:

• I want to hear what you have to say. That doesn't mean I agree with everything you are saying, but I want to listen and I care about you. Please tell me in a way that is constructive and caring so I'm able to hear you.

​
Wow! Take a moment to feel how you would feel if your lover said this to you... You could hardly get an adrenaline hit... ready to escalate a fight after that, correct?

With this one simple statement you are obstructing the feedback loop that may have been in operation for some time in your relationship making you miserable. Other benefits of this intervention or strategy are protecting yourself by establishing appropriate boundaries, and making the other person feel so happy that they are being listened to. The other person has a sense that you are respecting them and their point of view, simply by listening. This causes a calming effect and reduction of biological processes that are unconsciously getting you both ready to fight-or-flight.

2. Give Attention
Show you care by giving your attention and unconditional positive regard. Your attention is the first and most important strategy of communication. Make sure to keep this basic idea in mind. 

To implement: 

• Stop what you are doing and move your body so that your eyes and your posture are facing that person and give your undivided attention with a non-judgmental attitude. (Silence All electronic devices or other interference.) Show you care by giving your loved one a few minutes of your undivided attention.​​​

3. Monitor Non-Verbal Communication
If you're yawning, looking away, scowling or crossing your arms across your chest even though your phone is turned off, you're still giving the message that you're not that interested, or even hostile to what's being said. 

To implement: 

• Try to sit or stand still in a relaxed manner, avoid distracting mannerisms, and focus on the other person's verbal and non-verbal communication without getting defensive or worrying about how you should respond or refute. Just observe and listen and try to understand the points they are making from their point of view. You don't have to agree or disagree. That is their point of view that they are sharing with you. Give the person you say you love the encouragement of relaxing your body and hearing them out. Otherwise why does that person need to be in a relationship with you?
• Maintain eye contact as appropriate; practice acceptance of differing ideas without feeling too much pressure to control anyone but yourself.
• Relax... everything is okay, nothing is all that threatening! You can hear what the person is saying... Let them get it off their chest. The important thing is not to get into a posture of defensiveness which would be the automatic physiological response if someone feels attacked. Be aware of this natural response, and more importantly that you have control over your responses. You have the ability to rule over your impules using your higher wisdom. Consciously choose the response you want to make in any particular moment, based on your overall goals.

4. Repeat and Paraphrase, Check the Accuracy of Your Perceptions
The object is:

• to make sure you understand what is being said, many projections may be happening and you may have it completely wrong
• to help the other person know that you hear and understand what they are saying
• at this stage you are not making your points, teaching or refuting. You are making sure you simply understand the other person's statements. This does not denote agreement or compliance.

Repeating and Paraphrasing also makes sure you don't overreact or misunderstand key points of what is being communicated. 

Try phrases like:

• So you're saying... (fill in the blank), is that right?
  • So you're saying you want to take separate vacations this year... is that right?
  • So you're saying you hate my mother's interference with the kids... is that what you mean?
• You're saying you're sick of me doing (fill in the blank), is that what you're saying?
  • ​That's right.​
  • No, that's not what I'm saying at all!
    • Ok, please clarify then...
• "You're saying you're upset about (fill in the blank), correct?

5. Manage Your Defensiveness
...and keep your attention focused on the other person's process until he or she is completely done talking, and he or she has relaxed a bit.

Try responses such as: 

• A simple "Okay" works wonders.
• That doesn't feel too good, but I want to hear what you want to tell me.
• Please tell me in a way that is constructive and caring.
• Continue please.

6. Encourage the Other Person to Talk
Even if you're annoyed about what the other person is saying, you can at least extend the courtesy of letting them tell you what is important right now by encouraging them to vent. Just this much will help everyone feel less stressed. You can relax into your power, you are you, you don't have to particularly change anything, but you are giving respect. This is much better than basically ignoring what the other person is saying while simultaneously thinking up ways to protect yourself or make the kill shot. You can relax and listen, you don't really have to make your points right now. Learn to listen and understand without feeling pressured to obey. Once you have fully listened the other person will be completely relieved and ready to listen to you... and will probably do anything you say.

Use:

• Okay. 
• Go ahead...
• I'm listening.
• Continue...
• Can you tell me more about that...
• So when that happened you got really (angry)... 
• So when my mom yelled at Susie over the dishes in the sink you got mad.
• So when he no-showed the party you got really embarrassed.
• Don't 'hit' me, please talk about yourself and how you feel.

7. Give Yourself an Out
If things are getting heated, and you have decided to change out of negative communication patterns, try:

• Thanks for sharing that with me, I'll think about what you said. 

Know that it's okay to excuse yourself and re-group. This does not mean throw the Abandonment Card by storming out of the house and slamming the door in someone's face just to let them know that you don't like that they shared something negative with you. 

It's a good idea to give your relationship a tune-up by investing in a few sessions of therapy. Every relationship can be made better and no relationship is going to be perfect.