Emotional Maturity is a Key Factor in Creating a Happy Relationship: Ideas to Consider

by Carol L. Meylan, MBA, LCSW and Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

For most couples, it is easy to be considerate and collaborative in a new romantic relationship.  You see your partner through a fresh lens:  everything is new, exciting and full of possibilities... he or she seems to be everything you hoped.  

However, pretty soon Life Happens and your feelings get hurt or you feel unsatisfied in some way.  You may entertain ideas of judgment and non-acceptance about your beloved, and start to focus on flaws that should be corrected.  (In the nicest possible way you decide to tell him or her what's wrong... it's for their own good!)

You may be shocked or irritated when your partner doesn’t appreciate this input or agree with your opinions.

How someone might react to this disagreement could be an example of Emotional Maturity or lack thereof! When that initial negative interaction with your partner occurs, what happens next?  

What is Your Style? Where do You Go?

Here Are Favorite Strategies Which Reflect the Opposite of Emotional Maturity:

• Blame Others: "It's your fault, there's something wrong with you."
• Blame Self: "It's my fault I'll never get it right... I'm probably not a good person."
• Shame: "I feel bad about myself because I'm not perfect" and/or "You should feel bad about yourself because you did something dirty or wrong."
• Withdrawal, isolation, pushing away: Telling people to 'go away' when you need/want help.
• Investigating:  Looking for potentially offensive minutiae that could bring drama and negativity into the relationship.
• Passive-Aggressive Manipulations - Pretending everything is fine when it's not, due to feigned virtuousness or righteousness.
• Triangulating (a third wheel in a two-person relationship so to speak): activities, hobbies, over-functioning, substances, kids, family members, friend group, extra lovers, work spouse, social media
• Flee the scene: stalk away, throw the Abandonment Card

More Non-Emotionally Mature Techniques for Communication and Getting Your Needs Met:

• Threats - If you don't agree/change, something bad is going to happen physically, emotionally
• Tantrums - When you don't get your way you act like a four-year-old in the candy aisle of Target when Mom says "No you can't have candy right now!" 
• Teaching - "But this is correct. It's for your own good you know!" 
• Punishment - Hurting someone on purpose - "I want him to know how it feels."
• Ultimatums - Throw the Fear Card

We Need to Choose Something Else
When you don't agree or feel triggered it can be easy and/or automatic to blame your partner. It is natural to want to blame someone when you feel pressured and frustrated. The important thing is to notice that you are doing "it", in this case blaming... and a relationship based on blame, shame and guilt is not going to work. 

Instead learn to bravely tell the truth about what's going on with you in that moment,  in a fair, empathic and/or solution-focused manner without blaming, shaming or controlling. Become more Emotionally Mature.

What is Emotional Maturity?
                 
One of the essential ingredients in a successful relationship is the Emotional Maturity of each person. 

The good news is that Emotional Maturity can be developed or improved at any age.
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Children are primarily focused on themselves:  their biological needs, wants and pleasures.  If things don’t work out the way they would like, children make no secret that life or people aren't meeting their expectations.  Adults will not be confused about whether the child is satisfied! Children do not concern themselves about the needs and feelings of others when confronted with their demands. This is normal and age-appropriate in children. However, this survival-oriented framework should mellow into relational skills such as empathy, objectivity, self-control and Emotional Maturity as humans reach adolescence and adulthood.

Emotionally mature adults realize and accept that many situations in life are outside their control.  When faced with a difficult situation or unexpected problem,  they are able to understand and manage their emotions while working collaboratively toward solutions.  Emotionally mature people are able to accept and deal with what happens in life – they don’t expect life to be perfect, easy, or problem-free. In a relationship, Emotional Maturity is demonstrated through your attitude and behavior toward yourself and your partner.

Some of the Key Components of Emotional Maturity Are:

• Personal Responsibility –   You are the author of your own life and relationships, and you take responsibility for that.  This means you hold yourself responsible for your decisions, choices, achievements and failings... as well as  your happiness. When something bad happens, you don’t blame your partner or anyone else.  You don’t practice finger-pointing at others or beat yourself up either. You reasonably own up to your role in any particular situation and then you figure out how to correct the problem or do things differently next time.

• Self-Control and Calmness – Yes, stuff goes wrong.  Your partner makes mistakes. Your partner is forgetful or oblivious or even self-centered or deceitful. If you are emotionally mature, you have the ability to control yourself.  You are not afraid to express anger appropriately. You are able to speak in a calm and coherent manner even when you are angry.   You do not blow up at your partner; you do not scream/yell/swear/call names.  You don’t engage in behavior that is insulting to your partner, degrading to yourself or destructive to the relationship.

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• As you increase emotional maturity, you learn to acknowledge and tolerate negative emotions, such as anger, fear, jealousy, insecurity, disappointment and resentment. You are not afraid to embrace your humanity and experience all of your feelings, neither denying nor being consumed by them. You know that emotions are like clouds in the sky:  they gather and form, stay for awhile, then are pushed away by the next wind current; even a terrible and dangerous storm is soon abated.

• You are able to choose what you want or need to communicate to your partner in that moment to get your needs met and improve closeness at the same time. Instead of getting flooded with rivers of negativity and spilling that onto others (who now feel like avoiding you), acknowledge your feelings and decide whether to share about it. Or maybe it's a good time to 'let it go' for now.  Don’t allow yourself and the people around you to get hijacked by negative emotions. Be polite and  don’t act moody, rude or passive-aggressive. Make the effort to learn how to tell the truth instead... so that an honest collaboration and resolution can take place.

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• Whatever the problem, disagreement or crisis of the day, focus on your love and appreciation of this person in your life. Treat the person and the relationship with care and kindness, like a prized possession even when you're angry. And you will get angry because you are a human so don't judge yourself for that. Neither stoop to aggressive, threatening  or fear-inducing behavior when you are angry. Because you honor the relationship, make the effort to tell the truth about how you are feeling or what you like or don't like... even when it makes you vulnerable or is difficult to get your points across. You know how much this person and this relationship means to you. You would never take it for granted or jeopardize its quality and potential. You accept and respect your partner's humanity. If this is your attitude on a consistent basis, it is evidence of Emotional Maturity. You can see already how much relationships would be improved if this sort of attitude is practiced. 

• Acceptance of not always being in control (willingness to negotiate) - When you are single, you get to make most of the decisions and choices for yourself. You don’t have to think about or deal with other people’s needs.  Basically you feel like you have control over yourself and your life.  But when you enter a relationship, you have to think about your partner’s needs and desires.  And that can feel annoying, overwhelming or problematic and generate conflicts. This is where control issues arise.  Your priorities may conflict with your partner’s priorities and a negotiation and/or compromise needs to take place.

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• Emotional maturity means letting go of always being right or being in charge. You are willing to compromise and share leadership.  You let go of trying to control or change your partner. Instead of expecting your partner to see your point of view, you are willing to listen to his or her viewpoint.  You don’t feel threatened when your partner disagrees with you.  You realize that you can’t expect your partner to always want to do things the way you do.  When you disagree, you remain non-critical.  You don’t need to convince your partner you are right.  Most importantly, you self-edit:  you leave hurtful thoughts unspoken, and you don't entertain them for long.

Relationships move in the direction of calmness, ease and happiness when you consistently set the example of demonstrating Emotional Maturity whether your partner does or not.  You avoid so much unnecessary drama.  You stay in control of yourself and don’t succumb to damaging or irrational behaviors.  You compromise because you remember that you love this person. And you feel good about yourself because you know that you are creating your relationship on a daily basis by your attitudes and behaviors.

How Can You Increase Your Emotional Maturity? 

Strengthening your emotional maturity is a process.  To start, you can give yourself permission not to react negatively when you are provoked. Try to observe your impulses and reactions in stressful situations and realize that you have the ability to choose how you want to respond in any moment. 

Notice how you feel when things don’t go the way you want.  Listen to your self-talk.  Feel what's going on in your body. It helps to write down your thoughts and feelings.  Then think of alternatives or 're-frames'.  How else could you interpret what is going on?  What is a more balanced way of looking at the situation?   Is there a different, kinder, nicer way you can conceptualize the current problem rather than heaping blame on yourself or someone else?  How you choose to respond consistently over a period of time is going to determine the quality of your relationship. In other words, you can't get to this great, loving relationship if you're still frequently stuck in blaming, non-acceptance and/or guilt mode.

The next time a 'situation' arises, slow down.  Try not to react immediately. Be honest with yourself about how you feel emotionally. Think about how to state your feelings and opinions in a respectful, non-judgmental way.  Learn to laugh at yourself and life. Notice how you feel when you remain calm.   And then notice how your partner responds to you. See how your relationship will be improved by integrating knowledge of Emotional Maturity!