Cost of Becoming Unstuck: Bravery
There is going to be a cost when you start taking ownership of your feelings and your life. When you decide to learn and tell the truth about how you really feel, what you truly want, or try to change things that aren't working... you are disrupting the status quo, and there is going to be some blowback (initially). The words status quo are from Latin meaning 'existing state'. 

Example: He is happy with the status quo and does not like change.

Notice I said 'initially'. Even if you do it gingerly and compassionately, those around you are likely to resist hearing your call for 'change' especially if they are perfectly fine with the way things are, or not very good at listening. When you get in touch with your true feelings and decide to share... it is important to have knowledge and a strategy rather than just 'letting loose' in a moment of frustration or anger (and then being labeled 'crazy' or 'unstable').

When our control is mixed up with the control others have over their own lives, we may rely more on subtle mechanisms such as negotiation and conciliation to move a particular situation in the way we want it to go. With so much negotiation, compromise and often heavy pressure from others to 'do' or 'be' what they want, we may end up feeling that we are vaguely not in control of our own life, our needs aren't getting met, and our strategies to fix things are not working very well.

In more glaring examples of negating you and your desires, loved ones may even be patronizing, condescending or hostile as they dismiss your feelings or the ideas and dreams you have for yourself and/or the 'group.' Maybe you are tired of being told or insinuated that what you feel, want, like or dislike is wrong and needs to be changed. You know how you feel... you know yourself better than anyone else... no one else knows what goes on inside of your personal world... you are in charge of yourself... hopefully you are acting in good faith to take excellent care of yourself and others, and maximize your talents in your life that you have right now.

Others will try to exert control over you to feel a certain way, agree to certain things or adopt a particular set of behaviors. What if you don't agree and want to resist but are terrified of numerous possible negative consequences such as fighting, rejection, withdrawal of help or privileges? Maybe you are unwilling to risk guilt or negativity in the relationship and this stops you from being true to yourself while being fair to others.

You want to resist when things are wrong for you, but go along anyway and feel bad because of fear of disrupting the status quo where things are somewhat safe and predictable. Maybe you blow up occasionally and don't know what's wrong, or overeat or overwork or engage in other diversions. Maybe you tolerate behavior that hurts you... and keep going because of your emotional or physical dependence, fear of change or lack of belief in yourself.

This is where I say, "You are not stuck" and  to become un-stuck there is going to be a cost. Sorry about that, but there is going to be a cost because in learning to be congruent, to know and tell the truth for yourself, you are disrupting the status quo and this will be discomfiting to others at first. 

Be Willing to Take a Risk 

Being stuck is often a result of feeling unsure about the validity of your life and feelings, and fear of the unknown or losing something. Also being stuck is when you feel like you have to 'act' a certain way to be accepted, or for someone to love you.

Being Congruent and the Core Message

When learning to be more congruent, prepare yourself with a core message that you want to deliver about a particular issue, and trust that you can be honest with yourself and others and deliver your core messages in a congruent way. "Congruent" is when what you see on the outside of a person is the same as what is inside the person. We'll give an example in a minute.

When preparing your core message, remember you are not blaming or criticizing anyone.

Delivering these messages on purpose in a calm and confident manner over time will eventually get you heard and shift a feedback loop that you don't like, that may have been in place for a long time.

Initially though, be prepared for pushback and don't let it fluster you. Listen and continue to calmly state your core message (that you have worked out ahead of time). Don't bite any bait or provocation or off-topic deviation. Since this is different from how you usually react, people are going to be off- guard or even shocked! There may be a tremendous amount of resistance and provocation until you can get a new feedback loop established.

For example, Dad comes home from work in a grouchy mood. Mom notices the dark cloud coming through the door and says:  

Hi Honey, is everything okay you seem upset. Can I get you something?
​Dad replies gruffly, Nothing, I'm fine! and stomps upstairs to his office.

​First of all Dad lied. There Was something wrong, and on top of lying, he threw Mom the Rejection Card when she tried to help. Ouch.

Example of a Congruent Core Message
In his defense, Dad would probably say, Well, I didn't want to bother them so I denied anything was wrong. I would suggest a more congruent core message would be:

Yes I had a rough day, I need to go upstairs for a few minutes to disconnect from work. I'll come down for dinner in a few minutes. (Thank you for making dinner it smells good.)

In relationships when you decide to tell the truth, be sure to do things on purpose, and above all be kind and talk about yourself not about the other person's failures. Be firm and kind with an attitude of appreciation and service to others and confidence in yourself.

Why don't we tell the truth?

• Being unsure that what we are feeling is real.
• Worried that the feeling isn't valid or reasonable.
• Afraid to bother others with our problems.
• Fear of rejection and/or abandonment.
• Fear of seeming needy or weak.
• To avoid accusations of being pushy or controlling.

Use More Self-Control, Finesse

Among Mirriam Webster's various definitions of ways of using 'finesse,' in this case we are working with finesse as: 

skillful handling of a situation :  adroit maneuvering 
He handled the problem with finesse.

Synonyms of Finesse
skillfulness, expertise, subtlety, flair, panache, elan, polish, mastery

How to Become "Unstuck"

Handle situations with finesse and be willing to accept that you may suffer negative consequences as a result of knowing and telling the truth. Using the above strategies over time with an attitude of appreciation, kindness and firmness, you will feel much freer and others will learn to respect you and your point of view. It is not necessarily easy to change unhealthy relationship dynamics, but it is worth the effort.

1. Practice 'Listening Does Not Equal Agreement or Obedience'
Many people often hate listening because it makes them feel defensive or pressured or they think it obligates them to obey, condone or agree. To start with, use the phrases below to clarify that listening does not equal obedience. That way it will be easier for you to listen and allow the person to speak. Accept your loved one's attempts at communicating with you, however imperfect.

Adopt an attitude that says, I honor and love you as a person even though I may not agree with what you are saying right now. 

To implement, say something like:

• I want to hear what you have to say. That doesn't mean I agree with everything you are saying, but I want to listen and I care about you. Please tell me in a way that is constructive and caring so I'm able to hear you.

​
Wow! Take a moment to feel how you would feel if your lover said this to you... You could hardly get an adrenaline hit... ready to escalate a fight after that, correct?

With this one simple statement you are obstructing the feedback loop that may have been in operation for some time in your relationship making you miserable. Other benefits of this intervention or strategy are protecting yourself by establishing appropriate boundaries, and making the other person feel so happy that they are being listened to. The other person has a sense that you are respecting them and their point of view, simply by listening. This causes a calming effect and reduction of biological processes that are unconsciously getting you both ready to fight-or-flight.

2. Give Attention
Show you care by giving your attention and unconditional positive regard. Your attention is the first and most important strategy of communication. Make sure to keep this basic idea in mind. 

To implement: 

• Stop what you are doing and move your body so that your eyes and your posture are facing that person and give your undivided attention with a non-judgmental attitude. (Silence All electronic devices or other interference.) Show you care by giving your loved one a few minutes of your undivided attention.​​​

3. Monitor Non-Verbal Communication
If you're yawning, looking away, scowling or crossing your arms across your chest even though your phone is turned off, you're still giving the message that you're not that interested, or even hostile to what's being said. 

To implement: 

• Try to sit or stand still in a relaxed manner, avoid distracting mannerisms, and focus on the other person's verbal and non-verbal communication without getting defensive or worrying about how you should respond or refute. Just observe and listen and try to understand the points they are making from their point of view. You don't have to agree or disagree. That is their point of view that they are sharing with you. Give the person you say you love the encouragement of relaxing your body and hearing them out. Otherwise why does that person need to be in a relationship with you?
• Maintain eye contact as appropriate; practice acceptance of differing ideas without feeling too much pressure to control anyone but yourself.
• Relax... everything is okay, nothing is all that threatening! You can hear what the person is saying... Let them get it off their chest. The important thing is not to get into a posture of defensiveness which would be the automatic physiological response if someone feels attacked. Be aware of this natural response, and more importantly that you have control over your responses. You have the ability to rule over your impules using your higher wisdom. Consciously choose the response you want to make in any particular moment, based on your overall goals.

4. Repeat and Paraphrase, Check the Accuracy of Your Perceptions
The object is:

• to make sure you understand what is being said, many projections may be happening and you may have it completely wrong
• to help the other person know that you hear and understand what they are saying
• at this stage you are not making your points, teaching or refuting. You are making sure you simply understand the other person's statements. This does not denote agreement or compliance.

Repeating and Paraphrasing also makes sure you don't overreact or misunderstand key points of what is being communicated. 

Try phrases like:

• So you're saying... (fill in the blank), is that right?
  • So you're saying you want to take separate vacations this year... is that right?
  • So you're saying you hate my mother's interference with the kids... is that what you mean?
• You're saying you're sick of me doing (fill in the blank), is that what you're saying?
  • ​That's right.​
  • No, that's not what I'm saying at all!
    • Ok, please clarify then...
• "You're saying you're upset about (fill in the blank), correct?

5. Manage Your Defensiveness
...and keep your attention focused on the other person's process until he or she is completely done talking, and he or she has relaxed a bit.

Try responses such as: 

• A simple "Okay" works wonders.
• That doesn't feel too good, but I want to hear what you want to tell me.
• Please tell me in a way that is constructive and caring.
• Continue please.

6. Encourage the Other Person to Talk
Even if you're annoyed about what the other person is saying, you can at least extend the courtesy of letting them tell you what is important right now by encouraging them to vent. Just this much will help everyone feel less stressed. You can relax into your power, you are you, you don't have to particularly change anything, but you are giving respect. This is much better than basically ignoring what the other person is saying while simultaneously thinking up ways to protect yourself or make the kill shot. You can relax and listen, you don't really have to make your points right now. Learn to listen and understand without feeling pressured to obey. Once you have fully listened the other person will be completely relieved and ready to listen to you... and will probably do anything you say.

Use:

• Okay. 
• Go ahead...
• I'm listening.
• Continue...
• Can you tell me more about that...
• So when that happened you got really (angry)... 
• So when my mom yelled at Susie over the dishes in the sink you got mad.
• So when he no-showed the party you got really embarrassed.
• Don't 'hit' me, please talk about yourself and how you feel.

7. Give Yourself an Out
If things are getting heated, and you have decided to change out of negative communication patterns, try:

• Thanks for sharing that with me, I'll think about what you said. 

Know that it's okay to excuse yourself and re-group. This does not mean throw the Abandonment Card by storming out of the house and slamming the door in someone's face just to let them know that you don't like that they shared something negative with you. 

It's a good idea to give your relationship a tune-up by investing in a few sessions of therapy. Every relationship can be made better and no relationship is going to be perfect.

by Carol L. Meylan, MBA, LCSW and Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

By Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

 It makes you wonder what is real. Is this relationship a real thing or something created by me being nice?

Your Well-Being
How you feel about your life, relationships and emotions, are of utmost importance to the life that you are creating around you. So it is important to learn to acknowledge and tell the truth about your emotions, and to stay focused on what is wanted.

That means that if something is a bucket of shit, you call it a bucket of shit! You don't call it a vase of roses. Many people can get that mixed up even though they are two completely different things.

We notice that instead of telling the truth,  many people are too used to being polite and careful to please everyone, everyone all the time. Everyone, everyone except yourself!

When you become afraid of saying "No, I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to do that"  or sharing how you truly feel about something important because someone may not like it,  you are suffering from NICE-ITIS. This is a 'disease' in which a person believes he or she has to be Nice all the time and please everyone in order to avoid feeling guilty and be an acceptable or good person. As soon as you lose your ability to feel your emotions and boundaries, let alone set them with others... you're in trouble.

Wouldn't it be better to say "No... that is not really a vase of roses... but there must be a purpose to everything in life."

The other choice would be to basically lie... and Stuff your true feelings. I suggest that a more self-affirming attitude would be,  "It smells like shit.... so it can probably be turned into fertilizer." You didn't realize that being overly nice could be equivalent to being a liar and cover-up artist?!

Making everyone happy can give a person an illusion of control which can be comforting on some level (especially if you have experienced trauma in your past) If I let people get upset, something really bad might happen...

If others are happy with you, you can feel good about yourself. You may be exhausted and totally burned out  but you can tell yourself, "Everything is under control, I made sure everyone has what they need, everyone is okay". Notice that your ability to  feel good in this case is dependent on whether others are pleased with your efforts or not. 

Depending on another person to have a particular emotional or behavioral response can be a risky business because humans tend to be unpredictable and need to be self-focused for survival. This is a biological mandate, so we're not going to do any good trying to tell people not to be so selfish.   It can take a tremendous amount of effort and personal sacrifice to constantly 'Please' someone else. So, if we can't actually depend on the result we are hoping for (the person being pleased)... and we are probably feeling exhausted and unappreciated by trying to be nice all the time... what is the point?

A more realistic expectation is that partners, parents, lovers friends and children can be depended upon for one thing... and that is to disappoint. And to disappoint often! So how we learn to acknowledge and respond to our true feelings, and to tell the constructive truth without attacking, is to create a closer bond instead of emotional distance even hatred.

NICE-ITIS goes along with STUFF-IT 
'Nice' is not particularly authentic, as you don't let others really get to know you. You hide and Stuff your true feelings, wants, needs and desires. You don't let anyone see the 'Not Nice' aspects, except for the times when you have "Stuffed It" long enough and you "Blow" which may happen from time to time and make people say that you are explosive or crazy. No, you are not crazy, but you are worn out from trying to please people all the time and then feeling guilty and horrible when no matter how hard you try... they cannot be depended upon to be pleased. 

Being overly nice or perfect can tend to make long-term relationships problematic for a few reasons. For one thing, others may avoid you or take advantage of your good nature, because they feel inferior and guilty compared to your virtuous self-sacrifice. In the long run, it tends to be difficult to stay with a person who is more Nice than Authentic.  It can become impossible to stay with someone so perfect... when your partner is  only too aware of his or her own  imperfections... anger, fear, self-centeredness or other aspects or vices. It isn't necessarily that easy to share an honest emotional bond with an exceptionally nice or perfect person also due to fear of being judged by someone superior.

Challenge Questions

• Do you give yourself the freedom to say how you really feel (without insulting)?
• Can you give yourself permission to tell the truth even when it's unpleasant (without attacking)?
• Are you using subversive or passive-aggressive behavior to get what you want?

If you're suffering from NICE-ITIS and STUFF-IT, we can help you learn to get rid of guilt and feel good about allowing your true self to come out!

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

 A dogmatic person in a relationship may be seen as  being inflexible and stubborn. (Maybe like a dog with a bone, haha! "I'm not letting it go no matter what.")

Maybe it's you or your partner who tends to be more strong-willed about certain things in the relationship.  But, there is an important distinction to make between just being obstinate overall with no particular dogma underneath, and having faith  in a core ideology that compels the dogmatic person to encourage, insist or scheme so that family and friends follow a particular belief and/or behavior system.

Meanwhile friends, family, co-workers may feel pressured and don't like the Dogma at all and find it very difficult to get along with and/or love this person. 

Relationship problems can occur when a dogmatic person feels that his 'dogma' or set of rules has authoritative backing such as a religious, moral, political. health, social, human and animal rights, environmental or other 'higher-purpose' ideology. His belief may be:

It is Essential for others to also adhere to the Dogma! ("...because it has a higher purpose, not because I say so!")

Extreme dogmatism is obvious in our global society as dogmatic factions have  continued to inflict incredible harm on each other on a daily basis since the beginning of human civilization. 

We as individuals are powerful enough to work with this problem on the micro level of our own families. The  key to consider is whether or not someone believes they have the right to change the beliefs and/or behaviors of another person because of what may be thought of as a higher purpose.
​
​And, if we are on the receiving end of attempted dogmatic indoctrination, how do we be more brave, honest and congruent?

People often demand that their family, friends and loved ones to adhere to the same religion or ideology that they do.  When a friend or family member doesn't believe in the same god or religious doctrine, there can be an incredible number of bad feelings and negative consequences...

...from scolding and disapproval to punishing, withdrawal of attention and affection, up to hostile criticism, withdrawal of financial support, loss of housing, shaming and passive aggressive manipulations.The dogmatic person has learned that these are useful for producing Guilt or Shame in another person, thereby inducing compliance in order to relieve negative emotions.

As we know, if subtler techniques fail, certain dogmatic individuals and groups may up the ante to attempt to change someone's belief and behavior more aggressively... up to incarceration, torture, murder and suicide can be used if you don't believe in the same god or adhere to a particular set of practices.

In relationships, extreme dogmatism can lead to anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.  How do we deal with this dynamic?

To improve relationships and feelings of happiness and satisfaction  within families, individuals would benefit from improving respect and acceptance of the beliefs  and opinions of others.  Accept the opinions of others as their opinions. Notice I didn't say agree, comply or obey.

​Yes you disagree! And No, this person may not accept that! This person may dismiss or debunk your ideas and you may feel rejected and angry.

What to Do When You Disagree About Dogma

First and most important, Make sure you really understand what the other person is saying by using active-reflective listening and emotionally focused communication.

• Control your defensiveness (in other words don't react, just be present) and go into active-reflective listening.
• Let the other person 'desahogarse' first. It's a Spanish word that means to thoroughly vent or blow off steam. Let the person blow off steam as long as they aren't attacking you, as long as it takes for him/her to stop talking and his/her body to relax. You will have a much easier time making your points after the person has stopped talking and his/her body has relaxed. You are also changing a negative fighting dynamic by purposefully altering Your responses.

•  To help him/her thoroughly desahogarse, use,
  •  "So you're saying ... (fill in the blank)... Is that what you're saying?"
    • ​So you're saying this is very important to you because >>>>>  Is that what you're saying?
    • You're saying you really want >>>>> is that what you're saying?
    • You're saying you really don't like >>>>>>> is that what you're saying?
    • Tell me more about those reasons again...

Second, when you are satisfied that the person has thoroughly performed the ritual of desahogarse so to speak, stay true to yourself...

• Thank the person: for spending time and energy sharing their opinions with you.
• Tell a truth: "I don't know that I agree with everything."
• Buy time: "We can talk more later." "I need time to think about it."
• Reflect emotion: "I see you feel very strongly about this."
• Say what you need: "I'm not going to be able to do that." or "I would rather talk about something else when we're together"
• Say how you feel: "I am uncomfortable with this subject, let's focus on doing something else" (one of our projects)

Third, if you feel that the situation is escalating and the dogmatic person is not letting you have autonomous control of your own mind, and you have decided to change the fighting dynamic, and the person is persisting or has been drinking right now,  it's fine to excuse yourself from the conversation without pushing the abandonment button. "I'm sorry I have to go now, I'll think about what you said. We can talk more later."

You can create a more harmonious relationship with a dogmatic person by working with your own responses to create a more honest and respectful feedback loop.  It depends on what you want your relationship to be: characterized by acceptance, patience, tolerance and love, or control, shame, blame, conflict and avoidance? You set the example, you be the leader if you are trying to have a pleasant and loving relationship with a dogmatic person!

For some people, the ideology is too important to be flexible. For example if a son or daughter or parent comes out as LGBT, family members and friend may have historically reacted very negatively. There are ways to stay true to your own personal belief system and avoid conflicts if this type of situation is happening in your family.

If you want to have a happy family, It is important to practice acceptance and allowance of the free will of others even when you disagree with someone's choices.  (If we are talking about young children, of course you are the parent making the decisions right now.)

I'm mentioning this because people can be so stressed out having to deal with family members over what we are having or not having for dinner. Many people have adopted unusual and/or restrictive dietary habits. If you can't agree on the food, focus on creating a pleasant and supportive experience of sharing meals together whatever you are eating.  Keywords on this are: cooperation, communication, appreciation, acceptance, patience and flexibility. If you want to have a good time and build happy memories with your family, be flexible about Dogma around mealtime if others disagree.

You can still adhere to your beliefs and not compromise yourself while extending courtesy, good manners and helping others feel positive about themselves and their relationships. Appreciate those people that you have with you right now to help you enjoy your life. Don't be afraid to set a boundary with courtesy and respect. It is your job to honor yourself and tell the truth, and conduct yourself with dignity. 

By Carol L. Meylan, LCSW, MBA and Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

 But let's be honest... most people feel the need to express dissatisfaction or irritation
​to their partner at times.

How can we do that... staying true to ourselves but not damaging the relationship in the process?

... And even daring to hope about coming to a clear resolution where everyone feels heard, eventually bringing us closer when there is a conflict?

​Here are some comments that are particularly hurtful and should be avoided. These comments, especially when accompanied by an attitude of contempt are poison to a relationship.

You are literally injecting poison into your relationship if you are using this type of communication. It will permanently damage your relationship, so let's think of better ways to communicate dissatisfaction or request a change in something. 

The point is, it is relatively easy to monitor your communication so that you are being honest and also being aware of an ongoing practice of creating the type of relationship you desire on a day-to-day basis.

Beware of These Four Relationship-Damaging Phrases:

1. "Chill”.  Other variations are “relax”, “calm down” and “get a grip”.When you say these words to an angry or upset person, this tends to infuriate him/her and make the situation worse!  Why?  Because hearing “chill out/relax” from one’s partner sounds condescending and dismissive at a time when he/she really needs understanding and support.  

Your partner is much more likely to actually calm down if you say:
“You seem really upset.  Let’s talk about this.  I want to help... or... Tell me what's going on.” 

2.  “You always….” or “You never….”Often when we are angry about something our partner has done more than a few times, we tend to over-generalize and lash out with “You always do this….You always think of yourself….You never think of me first…”.  These global statements sound critical and judgmental and push others away.  “You always” comments also put your partner on the defensive – of course he/she doesn’t "always" text while talking to you, even if it sometimes feels like he does.  

Your partner will hear you much better if you simply state the problem or issue, such as:
“I notice that you are texting right now while I am talking."

3. “This is why….”Statements such as “this is why you haven’t been successful” or “this is why you can’t save money” are harsh and hurtful and can be very damaging to a relationship.  This broad statement makes the speaker seem disdainful and contemptuous of his partner, as if he is smarter and superior.    No one wants to feel put-down, especially by someone who is supposed to love them.  ​

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

And which of my pieces might I have to negotiate away to get the things I most need and want as we move through our daily lives together?

When you are working on challenges, conflicts and unwanted patterns with your loved ones, think about the rules you have created for the game of your relationship, and I challenge you consider...

Which game are you playing?

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

Does your lover ever say to you, "Why are you so defensive!?"
Does she say, "You never listen..."

What we need to understand is that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response. 

When feeling threatened, our ancestors would fight back to keep from being eaten by a bigger or more aggressive or powerful creature. Be it wild animal or another person. 

If we can recognize that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response, we can gain more control over unpleasant emotions and arguments.

The fantasy of the “perfect partner” is so powerful and gratifying that participants in an on-line relationship may seem as if they have lost touch with reality!

Please know that I am not talking about dating web sites where adults connect on-line and then proceed from emailing to phone conversations and texts with the hopeful outcome of meeting in person.   After all, this is the modern world’s way of matchmaking!

In my work with couples, I hear frequently that one partner (I will make him male, but this happens equally to both men and women) is involved with someone he met or connected with on the Internet.  Often the man has hoped to keep the communication secret from his partner, but secrets are really hard to keep and eventually the woman discovers the cyber affair.  

A typical scenario goes like this:  

• The woman reads a text from the Internet friend on her partner’s phone.  She asks him about the person and he tries to shrug it off as "not important".  The woman presses for more information. An argument ensues and he makes her seem overly jealous or crazy. After all he knows he never touches this woman so technically he is not cheating.  Not accepting that answer, the woman knows something is wrong…  so she turns into a private investigator... and searches his phone or computer.  She feels like she has been kicked in the stomach when she discovers a treasure trove of personal even sexual texts and emails!  The man claims this person is “just a friend”. 
  

When I talk to couples where this type of situation is going on, the woman may feel that her partner has been having an affair, even if they haven’t met in person.  A cyber affair feels like infidelity to her because the communication is done secretively and the cyber couple has become emotionally intimate.  The real-life partner feels betrayed and shut out.  Her trust has been violated and usually she is deeply hurt by the deception.

Why is the Internet so seductive?  Because it allows us to create and experience a fantasy world.

Let’s be honest: Sometimes day-to-day life can get to feeling like a struggle or even drudgery with a lot of hard work and few pleasures. The Internet offers us a world where we can pretend to be anyone we want to be.  We can pretend to be younger, more attractive, more adventurous, and more successful.  On the Internet, we can project whatever image we choose, which may or may not have anything to do with reality!  We are also projecting a fantasy onto the person we are communicating with.  We may come to believe and put our faith in fantasies or 'projections' we have imagined about our cyber-lover - that she is much more beautiful, sensitive, understanding, loving, forgiving, or interesting than our real-life partner. 

Often times, people in a cyber relationship disclose extremely personal information to each other.  A man may tell his cyber-lover about a difficult situation at work that he would be afraid to tell his wife for fear of her reaction.  Or he may disclose something he is really ashamed of.   His cyber friend is understanding and soothing and comforting – qualities his wife might not show him.   The cyber couple often share their disappointment in their current marriages or real-life relationships; they sympathize with each and grow close through their shared emotional disclosures.  They believe they have met their soulmate who understands them in a deeper, more intimate way than they will ever achieve with their real-life partner.

Why?  The technology hijacks yours brain.

Just as people get “addicted” to the thrill of video-gaming, the excitement and unpredictability of cyber communication causes your brain to release powerful biochemicals. The thrill of an unexpected text triggers the release of dopamine and norepinephrine.  Your heart starts to race and you feel the powerful stimulation of infatuation, euphoria and “chemistry”.  (www.cyberparent.com/love/chem1.htm)  


Since the texts and emails come at unpredictable times, you begin to check your phone constantly.  You may even sleep with your phone.  You act like a 16-year-old in love.  You are thrilled when you receive a text and despondent when you haven’t heard from your cyber friend in a few hours. On again – off again contact hijacks you – your mood swings up and down depending on whether or not you hear from your friend.  Behavioral psychologists agree that this type of contact, or what is known as   “intermittent reinforcement” is the strongest way to train a person to do something or to reinforce a behavior.  Cyber-reinforcement is a powerful force that can be difficult to resist.

So what is the harm in having a little cyber affair?   

First, your real-life partner cannot possibly compete with the on-line fantasy partner.  She will never measure up to the shared fantasy you have created with your cyber-lover.  So you pull away from your real-life partner:  you spend less time with her, you talk less to her, you aren’t interested in sex with her, and your real-life relationship starts to fail. The main danger of a cyber affair is that it will damage or terminate your real-life relationship whether it is discovered or not.

Second, fantasy is mistaken for reality. Often times, people will carry on cyber affairs for years, in the hopes that they will eventually unite with their cyber-lover and live happily ever after.  This fantasy often comes to a painful conclusion if the cyber-lovers give up their real-life relationships and try to form an integrated physical relationship. 

When you have to deal with the humanity of the real person behind the cyber-lover, you may find that not only does the cyber person not live up to your fantasies, but you have been caught up in a web of deception. You may feel horrible about ever getting involved with that person in the first place, and wonder if you can salvage your real-life relationship. (I can help. Text for an appointment: 310-795-8249.)

Next time:  What do I do to save my real-life relationship after a cyber affair is discovered? 

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

Do we see a bee flitting around a beautiful plant without flowers? No… the bee is wise and knows he will not find what he is looking for unless there is a blossom. 

Do we see a butterfly landing on a cactus? Probably not, the butterfly is looking for water and minerals. Do these creatures exhaust themselves trying to get what they need in wrong places, or to force a plant to change its essential nature so that they can be satisfied? 

Humans can imitate these humble creatures and look for what we want in a places where it can actually be found, and then be direct about getting what we want without injuring anyone else in the process. Grab a pen and paper if you want; here are a few steps to think about (this post contains the first two of four steps):

Exercise #1: Decide What You Really Want 

Think about what you want in terms of the positive feelings you would experience when it is happening....

I want to feel secure; that is more true when...
I want to be happier than I am now… that is happening when...
I feel more secure in my relationship when …. is happening.
I want to be treated with respect in this way...
I want my children to be happy and healthy for example when … happens.
I feel …… when my loved ones are happy with me.
I want to be energized; I feel energized when …. happens.
I feel at peace when….
I need more freedom - that happens when...

Now you try it, think about what you really want - in terms of how it makes you feel.
"What I would really like is (fill in the blank)"
Because it makes me feel…

(Optional: share this with a friend)

Exercise #2: Notice Limiting Beliefs

Before this sentence is out of your mouth, you may already be saying:

But I can't have that because…
That's not going to work because…
I can't do that because…
That will never happen because...

I want you to notice and write down the reasons you believe you cannot have what you want and look at them. Hard. Realize that you are making powerful arguments in favor of your limitations. That's okay if you're saying I need to face reality, I get it, but I want you to realize that you are exerting powerful energy in favor of the opposite of what you actually desire.

As long as you are giving strong emotional energy and belief to these reasons (or Limiting Beliefs), you will not be able to get what you want. In the next post we will consider how to suspend Limiting Beliefs and allow more of what we want to flow into our lives.

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

In spite of the fact that as humans we need intimate relationships to thrive and live fully, it's worthwhile to note that relationships are often a major source of frustration and pain.

It may be important for you to develop healthier strategies to avoid getting fatigued, burned out or developing physical or emotional symptoms if you are in a relationship with A Controlling Person. Let's call this person our beloved ACP.

Almost anyone in a family, workplace or any kind of group or 'system' can emerge as A Controlling Person. Often it's a partner, parent in-law, co-worker, boss or even a child who takes on that role in a family or group. 

ACP claims to know what's best for you. He often starts sentences with Do you know what you need? and then proceeds to tell you, piling on unsolicited advice about sensitive issues like your weight, how you feel, what you want to do, or who you are. These comments can range from insensitive to irritating and abusive. 

What can be most baffling is that ACP usually doesn't see himself or herself as controlling or insensitive, and seems completely unaware about the feelings and body language responses of others. He sees himself as only helpful and right. 

ACP is often a perfectionist. He or she may feel,  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. He may be very hard on himself too, such as hitting the gym every day at 5 am, demanding a strict dietary regime, following a rigid set of self-imposed rules, being a clean-o-holic, germ-o-phobe,  neat freak, moral police force, workaholic, etc.

Extreme cases of ACP may be classified as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, where a person is rigidly concerned with details, lists, rules and dominating others.

What to do? Start to teach ACP how to treat you. If you are struggling with an overly controlling loved one, here are some strategies to try.

1. Listen. Implement active listening phrases in the relationship such as I'm listening  and Continue please to make sure everyone understands each other. (Remember, listening does not equal agreement, obeying or caving.)

2. Re-Direct. If you don't want to talk about something say, 'Thank you for sharing your opinion on that, I'll think about what you said, now I would like to change the subject."

3. Be honest. If something is insulting or doesn't feel good, say so in a polite way, talking about Yourself. This will help you keep from getting angry and resentful. For example, That really doesn't feel too good at all. If you're frustrated say so. I'm getting frustrated that I've asked to change the subject and we keep going back to that subject.

4. Be generous with praise and appreciation. This helps everyone stay motivated. A simple Thank You works wonders to get started.

4. Take space. If you are doing a good job on 1 to 4 above, and yet continue to feel belittled or criticized,  it's perfectly okay to take space for a while rather than get into never-ending conflicts and arguments about the same subject. 

Try something like, I want to be in a relationship that helps me feel good about myself... that's not really happening right now. I want to be in a relationship where I feel good and enjoy the present moments.

5. Hold good thoughts about ACP.  Think about all the things you love and appreciate about that person when he's not around. And don't be afraid to say so next time you see him.

6. Schedule a session. Therapy can be very helpful in re-establishing healthier relationships with the controlling person in your life. We have lots of experience and will be happy to help you be more understood in your relationships. cb

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

Many people believe that discussion of affair details should be kept to a minimum. They think that talking about details may further damage the relationship. 

However, it has been shown that if the unfaithful partner meets the hurt partner's need to talk about the affair, the greater the hurt partner's rebuilding of trust and sense of healing. 

When the unfaithful partner is willing to discuss the situation in as much detail as the hurt partner needs, and answers questions honestly, more the relationship may grow and survive. 

For this disclosure to work, the hurt partner must be able to listen and respond calmly. Emotional safety is extremely important in this situation, so when asking for affair details, the hurt partner must practice phrases like...

I'm listening, continue please,
Yes, continue.

Questions can be written down and answered a few at a time, or when it's safe, for example in a therapy session. The hurt partner must realize that becoming enraged by information they have requested negatively reinforces the unfaithful partner's willingness to be open. Processing rage in an individual session is a good idea.

Any lie discovered after the the basic story has been revealed pushes recovery back even further, because the hurt partner feels betrayed yet again. So the sooner that accurate details are given the better. Unfaithful partners do not need to fill in details beyond what is asked for.  Research shows that very few couples dealing with infidelity develop a thriving relationship without help, so let me know if you want to try to make things better.

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

A 'love affair' may be more distressing than a purely sexual relationship to both men and women because if your partner is 'in love' with someone else, this does mean that the primary relationship is in jeopardy. 

Betrayal of trust shatters emotional safety in the relationship. This is why people use words like "shattered" and "devastated" to describe their reaction to finding out about an affair. 

The hurt partner may experience a series of powerful trauma reactions including rage, fear, confusion, difficulty with sleeping, eating, concentrating and basic functioning. A lot of crying, screaming and obsessively going over details or completely shutting down is probably normal. Nightmares and obsessive thoughts may go on for years according to some research. These symptoms may be similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

In discovering that their partner has been cheating, many clients experience a shock to their sense of reality. "How could I not see what was going on?!" they shriek. Thinking they should have known what was going on, they beat themselves up not only for being cheated on, but being oblivious in the process. On the contrary, research has shown that affairs are not easily detected when the person is skilled at compartmentalization and/or lying or has a lot of time away from home. 

The hurt partner's perceptions of reality during the time the partner was unfaithful often need to be completely reworked. This is a major reason there can be a need to know details about the affair. The hurt partner has been walled out of the unfaithful partner's secret world.

Fantasies of revenge sometimes can sometimes be  a response to the helplessness and pain a cheated-on person may feel.  He may insist, "I want him or her to know what it feels like!" 
It is important to understand these are common reactions so you will know that your out-of-control emotions are normal in a situation like this. And you are probably not going crazy. If you are feeling like getting revenge, schedule a session, and be careful not to make the situation worse. 

After the initial crisis, the hurt partner may be afraid to risk becoming more open or intimate and relatively small actions by the unfaithful partner can trigger hostility and total withdrawal. Or the hurt partner may not let up on rage and accusations despite the genuine remorse and efforts at repair made by the unfaithful partner. 

If you're dealing with a situation like this, I'm going to go out on a limb and say "therapy is a must" and "healing is possible." Schedule a session, you'll feel better and gain important strategies to use during this pivotal time in your life.cb

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

When a person says, “I really love him or her... I want this relationship to work out” what does that mean? In therapy, I often ask clients to do the Ideal Relationship exercise, where they describe and visualize what their ideal relationship looks like, independent of what might actually be going on in reality right now.






1.     Attachment

The first thing I have noticed is that attachment is often mistaken for love.

I may be deeply attached and inter-dependent with a certain person. This can be something sublime or deeply stressful and crazy-making, or somewhere in between. Nothing else in this life has the power of relationship to cause us to reach such heights of ecstasy and despair.

Because I am to a certain extent by necessity, dependent on this person for my happiness (we share children, property and businesses), it matters very much to me how this person behaves, what they think, who they talk to, how they spend their time and money.

If I am coming from a place of not-enough-ness, I may find myself going overboard wondering what he or she is doing, trying to control my partner’s behaviors, telling them how things should be done, demanding explanations. Even such personal things as what he is eating, or how much she wants to talk to her mother. So that I can feel better somehow.

2. Freedom

If I am overly concerned about the appropriateness of my partner’s behaviors and attitudes, likes and dislikes, eventually he or she is going to get tired.  It is too much to be responsible for another person’s happiness after a while. It makes a person feel so un-free when they feel monitored or judged. And isn’t that one of our core desires, freedom?

So, each person’s job is to know:

a. You are worthy, you are good enough, just as you are!

b. It's vital to practice acceptance toward yourself and others - you don’t have to require yourself or another person to behave a certain way so that you can feel good.

c. It's okay to focus on your individual happiness, what draws your attention, what inspires you… wherever your talents lie. Have faith in yourself, and move in the direction of things that inspire you. Move away from worrying about what someone else may be thinking, doing, saying, wanting you to do, or feeling about what you are doing. You are the only one in charge of your life and it's right that you should be free to think about things, and do things that make you feel positive.

d. That it's not helpful to explain or defend yourself - better to learn to tell the truth about how you feel, what you like and don’t like, what you want more of. 

Focusing this way helps alleviate mood disorders, and helps you get more of what you want. It also makes you more attractive to your partner. Be sure to always focus on what you like and love about your partner, and try to basically ignore things that bug you. This is how relationships go the distance.

3.     Attention

Time and attention may be the most valuable aspects of an ideal relationship.

If a person has time and attention for the things that are going on in my life, I feel valuable, I feel loved.  Then I am so happy, I feel good, my love hormones are pumping, I want to please in return… a positive feedback loop is happening. I tell my friends my partner is fabulous. I’m not vulnerable to affairs.

On the other hand, If my partner doesn‘t want to listen to my concerns, or sends messages that he or she is not that interested in what I have to say, or outright criticizes me for my feelings, opinions or behaviors, I  feel disrespected,  unsupported, alone, and probably angry and stuck too.

It’s very easy to give your loved ones your undivided attention every day. Even just for fifteen minutes, give them your undivided attention with no agenda of your own. Just go with the flow of what’s going on with them. One of the best ways to show a person love is to give them your time and undivided attention for a brief while. This is not to make you exhausted with too much giving. 

4.     Affection

If attachment, freedom and attention are present in a relationship, it is natural that affection will be present too. What is more beautiful than that? That a person hugs and kisses you because they are motivated to. That they try to please and help you because they are motivated. Not because you have demanded or had a contract, or been passive aggressive or dragged them to therapy because you're not getting enough affection. If someone feels they are not getting enough affection, they should refer to the above. It is most often due to a lack of attention, acceptance and appreciation. 

Practice working with these ideas and call me if you need more help! 

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

It can be enough to drive a parent nuts, when a kid for no good or apparent reason, decides not to go to school. I have noticed a few reasons why kids don't want to go to school even with our beautiful schools in Manhattan Beach and the South Bay. And several things parents can do to help. Trying different ways of looking at situations, and getting rid of shame and blame is a good way to start.

Here are a few things your child might want to tell you:

1. "I'm afraid to be away from Mommy and Daddy. "
When a young child doesn't want to go to school, he may be afraid to be separated from you right now. He may be feeling less secure in his attachment. This is often due to recent changes in relationships or stressful problems that may have come up for the family. If the child is hearing fighting in the evening or sensing an atmosphere of anger, tension or anxiety, he may wake up afraid to be separated from you. There's a sense that something bad might happen, or I might never see them again, and who will take care of me... if I go away from my parents. Learn more about separation anxiety.

Try this:
1. When you have a quiet moment with your child (not when it's time to go to school), ask him something like "I notice you have been having a hard time going to school in the morning lately,  can you tell me about that?" 

Then whatever he says, let him talk and encourage him to continue telling you about it. Please avoid statements like: "You know you have to go to school!" "Everybody has to go to school!" "It's time for you to grow up now, stop being a baby!" "I can get in trouble with the police if you don't go to school!" Avoid all these types of statements. Try not to teach him anything in this moment. This is a listening moment not a teaching moment.

Instead, focus on the child and his process. Let him talk. Ask him to draw a picture about it, or put on a costume and act out something about it.  Realize that young children are fantasy- driven. Their play themes demonstrate what's on their minds in a metaphorical sense and conflicts and challenges are worked out in play.

This doesn't mean that you are going to let him not go to school! It just means that you are slowing things down and understanding. Once he has thoroughly blown off steam about it, you will find him more willing to separate from you the next day. If you are trying to force or reason with him, it's probably not going to work.

2. Engage in child-directed play, 20 minutes a day (floor time)
Get on the floor with your child and let him be the director. (I don't mean sitting in front of the TV together.) Let him direct the play scenario. Sit, give him your undivided attention, observe his play, participate, but let the child lead. Follow along, or shadow him in his play themes. This helps the child develop a sense of competence and self-worth. He is learning that he is important to you. If you do this consistently, it should help in the mornings and save you from hours of dealing with tantrums.

Other problems leading to school refusal: 

2. "The kids are mean."
Again, facilitate your child's expression, Let him talk about it. Try  not to blame anyone or tell your child it's his fault, or not his fault, this leads to anxiety, fear and blame. Teach the child to identify and express how he feels. For example, I feel mad, scared, afraid, embarrassed... really, really mad. Have him draw pictures.  Act out a play about it. Obviously, intervene with teachers as appropriate and never engage another child directly.

3. "I have a tummyache... I have a headache..."
Be aware that children will often complain about physical issues when they are feeling anxious or depressed. Realize that children understand their vulnerability, and if adults are acting unpredictably or have mean faces or loud voices, children experience a physiological fear reaction which results in emotional and behavioral manifestations. Helping the child release his emotional stress in an appropriate or creative way is the goal.

Try the floor time, and if you're still having a problem with your child refusing to go to school, come in and let's talk about it!

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT