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by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT
You may say, "It certainly does not feel like I'm in control of my life... Let me tell you about twenty ways I am not in control right now and how people and situations are keeping me stuck... you don't understand!" Cost of Becoming Unstuck: Bravery
There is going to be a cost when you start taking ownership of your feelings and your life. When you decide to learn and tell the truth about how you really feel, what you truly want, or try to change things that aren't working... you are disrupting the status quo, and there is going to be some blowback (initially). The words status quo are from Latin meaning 'existing state'. Example: He is happy with the status quo and does not like change. Notice I said 'initially'. Even if you do it gingerly and compassionately, those around you are likely to resist hearing your call for 'change' especially if they are perfectly fine with the way things are, or not very good at listening. When you get in touch with your true feelings and decide to share... it is important to have knowledge and a strategy rather than just 'letting loose' in a moment of frustration or anger (and then being labeled 'crazy' or 'unstable'). When our control is mixed up with the control others have over their own lives, we may rely more on subtle mechanisms such as negotiation and conciliation to move a particular situation in the way we want it to go. With so much negotiation, compromise and often heavy pressure from others to 'do' or 'be' what they want, we may end up feeling that we are vaguely not in control of our own life, our needs aren't getting met, and our strategies to fix things are not working very well. In more glaring examples of negating you and your desires, loved ones may even be patronizing, condescending or hostile as they dismiss your feelings or the ideas and dreams you have for yourself and/or the 'group.' Maybe you are tired of being told or insinuated that what you feel, want, like or dislike is wrong and needs to be changed. You know how you feel... you know yourself better than anyone else... no one else knows what goes on inside of your personal world... you are in charge of yourself... hopefully you are acting in good faith to take excellent care of yourself and others, and maximize your talents in your life that you have right now. Others will try to exert control over you to feel a certain way, agree to certain things or adopt a particular set of behaviors. What if you don't agree and want to resist but are terrified of numerous possible negative consequences such as fighting, rejection, withdrawal of help or privileges? Maybe you are unwilling to risk guilt or negativity in the relationship and this stops you from being true to yourself while being fair to others. You want to resist when things are wrong for you, but go along anyway and feel bad because of fear of disrupting the status quo where things are somewhat safe and predictable. Maybe you blow up occasionally and don't know what's wrong, or overeat or overwork or engage in other diversions. Maybe you tolerate behavior that hurts you... and keep going because of your emotional or physical dependence, fear of change or lack of belief in yourself. This is where I say, "You are not stuck" and to become un-stuck there is going to be a cost. Sorry about that, but there is going to be a cost because in learning to be congruent, to know and tell the truth for yourself, you are disrupting the status quo and this will be discomfiting to others at first. Be Willing to Take a Risk Being stuck is often a result of feeling unsure about the validity of your life and feelings, and fear of the unknown or losing something. Also being stuck is when you feel like you have to 'act' a certain way to be accepted, or for someone to love you. Being Congruent and the Core Message When learning to be more congruent, prepare yourself with a core message that you want to deliver about a particular issue, and trust that you can be honest with yourself and others and deliver your core messages in a congruent way. "Congruent" is when what you see on the outside of a person is the same as what is inside the person. We'll give an example in a minute. When preparing your core message, remember you are not blaming or criticizing anyone. Delivering these messages on purpose in a calm and confident manner over time will eventually get you heard and shift a feedback loop that you don't like, that may have been in place for a long time. Initially though, be prepared for pushback and don't let it fluster you. Listen and continue to calmly state your core message (that you have worked out ahead of time). Don't bite any bait or provocation or off-topic deviation. Since this is different from how you usually react, people are going to be off- guard or even shocked! There may be a tremendous amount of resistance and provocation until you can get a new feedback loop established. For example, Dad comes home from work in a grouchy mood. Mom notices the dark cloud coming through the door and says: Hi Honey, is everything okay you seem upset. Can I get you something? Dad replies gruffly, Nothing, I'm fine! and stomps upstairs to his office. First of all Dad lied. There Was something wrong, and on top of lying, he threw Mom the Rejection Card when she tried to help. Ouch. Example of a Congruent Core Message In his defense, Dad would probably say, Well, I didn't want to bother them so I denied anything was wrong. I would suggest a more congruent core message would be: Yes I had a rough day, I need to go upstairs for a few minutes to disconnect from work. I'll come down for dinner in a few minutes. (Thank you for making dinner it smells good.) In relationships when you decide to tell the truth, be sure to do things on purpose, and above all be kind and talk about yourself not about the other person's failures. Be firm and kind with an attitude of appreciation and service to others and confidence in yourself. Why don't we tell the truth?
Use More Self-Control, Finesse Among Mirriam Webster's various definitions of ways of using 'finesse,' in this case we are working with finesse as: skillful handling of a situation : adroit maneuvering He handled the problem with finesse. Synonyms of Finesse skillfulness, expertise, subtlety, flair, panache, elan, polish, mastery How to Become "Unstuck" Handle situations with finesse and be willing to accept that you may suffer negative consequences as a result of knowing and telling the truth. Using the above strategies over time with an attitude of appreciation, kindness and firmness, you will feel much freer and others will learn to respect you and your point of view. It is not necessarily easy to change unhealthy relationship dynamics, but it is worth the effort.
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Alternative Communication Strategies1. Practice 'Listening Does Not Equal Agreement or Obedience'
Many people often hate listening because it makes them feel defensive or pressured or they think it obligates them to obey, condone or agree. To start with, use the phrases below to clarify that listening does not equal obedience. That way it will be easier for you to listen and allow the person to speak. Accept your loved one's attempts at communicating with you, however imperfect. Adopt an attitude that says, I honor and love you as a person even though I may not agree with what you are saying right now. To implement, say something like:
Wow! Take a moment to feel how you would feel if your lover said this to you... You could hardly get an adrenaline hit... ready to escalate a fight after that, correct? With this one simple statement you are obstructing the feedback loop that may have been in operation for some time in your relationship making you miserable. Other benefits of this intervention or strategy are protecting yourself by establishing appropriate boundaries, and making the other person feel so happy that they are being listened to. The other person has a sense that you are respecting them and their point of view, simply by listening. This causes a calming effect and reduction of biological processes that are unconsciously getting you both ready to fight-or-flight. 2. Give Attention Show you care by giving your attention and unconditional positive regard. Your attention is the first and most important strategy of communication. Make sure to keep this basic idea in mind. To implement:
3. Monitor Non-Verbal Communication If you're yawning, looking away, scowling or crossing your arms across your chest even though your phone is turned off, you're still giving the message that you're not that interested, or even hostile to what's being said. To implement:
4. Repeat and Paraphrase, Check the Accuracy of Your Perceptions The object is:
Repeating and Paraphrasing also makes sure you don't overreact or misunderstand key points of what is being communicated. Try phrases like:
5. Manage Your Defensiveness ...and keep your attention focused on the other person's process until he or she is completely done talking, and he or she has relaxed a bit. Try responses such as:
6. Encourage the Other Person to Talk Even if you're annoyed about what the other person is saying, you can at least extend the courtesy of letting them tell you what is important right now by encouraging them to vent. Just this much will help everyone feel less stressed. You can relax into your power, you are you, you don't have to particularly change anything, but you are giving respect. This is much better than basically ignoring what the other person is saying while simultaneously thinking up ways to protect yourself or make the kill shot. You can relax and listen, you don't really have to make your points right now. Learn to listen and understand without feeling pressured to obey. Once you have fully listened the other person will be completely relieved and ready to listen to you... and will probably do anything you say. Use:
7. Give Yourself an Out If things are getting heated, and you have decided to change out of negative communication patterns, try:
It's a good idea to give your relationship a tune-up by investing in a few sessions of therapy. Every relationship can be made better and no relationship is going to be perfect. by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT
Individuals in this age range are usually helping the younger generation to achieve educational, business and relationship goals, and to lead productive and happy lives. This is what Erikson meant by 'generativity'. The opposite is 'stagnation,' where apparently that means sitting around watching tv and not contributing much to others, or expecting young people to entertain and provide for you. Ouch.
When the children are grown up, there may be a moment to relax. After the harrowing process of getting kids through adolescence, parents may be ready for a break from responsibilities. According to Erikson's model however, the middle and older adult needs to be continually engaged in the support and guidance of younger lives. This means support, not demanding obiesance or submission or face negative consequences or punishments. More than ever, younger generations today need a wise and level-headed mentor, friend, parent, co-worker, boss, neighbor. Where Problems Occur in the 7th Stage of Development Societal Pressures Many adults in recent years have been experiencing difficulties with employment and money situations. They may have worked hard all their lives yet are still scrambling to keep everything afloat. This doesn't make it too easy to help others when you are struggling yourself. High incidence of divorce also contributes to financial and social instability. By this age a person may have two or three ex-families or spouses. We may think that divorce mostly affects children, but younger adults with their own families are feeling a heavy obligation to take care of older parents who may be single and alone. It comes to mind now around holiday time especially, as divided loyalties have to be managed like never before. Therapy can be very helpful to deal with these type of situations. The ideal according to Erikson is for the middle and older adult to be in a position to effectively help and contribute to the lives of younger generations in order to enjoy a life well-lived into old age. by Carol L. Meylan, MBA, LCSW and Cynthia M. Braden, MFT For most couples, it is easy to be considerate and collaborative in a new romantic relationship. You see your partner through a fresh lens: everything is new, exciting and full of possibilities... he or she seems to be everything you hoped.
However, pretty soon Life Happens and your feelings get hurt or you feel unsatisfied in some way. You may entertain ideas of judgment and non-acceptance about your beloved, and start to focus on flaws that should be corrected. (In the nicest possible way you decide to tell him or her what's wrong... it's for their own good!) You may be shocked or irritated when your partner doesn’t appreciate this input or agree with your opinions. How someone might react to this disagreement could be an example of Emotional Maturity or lack thereof! When that initial negative interaction with your partner occurs, what happens next? What is Your Style? Where do You Go? Here Are Favorite Strategies Which Reflect the Opposite of Emotional Maturity:
More Non-Emotionally Mature Techniques for Communication and Getting Your Needs Met:
We Need to Choose Something Else When you don't agree or feel triggered it can be easy and/or automatic to blame your partner. It is natural to want to blame someone when you feel pressured and frustrated. The important thing is to notice that you are doing "it", in this case blaming... and a relationship based on blame, shame and guilt is not going to work. Instead learn to bravely tell the truth about what's going on with you in that moment, in a fair, empathic and/or solution-focused manner without blaming, shaming or controlling. Become more Emotionally Mature. What is Emotional Maturity? One of the essential ingredients in a successful relationship is the Emotional Maturity of each person. The good news is that Emotional Maturity can be developed or improved at any age. Children are primarily focused on themselves: their biological needs, wants and pleasures. If things don’t work out the way they would like, children make no secret that life or people aren't meeting their expectations. Adults will not be confused about whether the child is satisfied! Children do not concern themselves about the needs and feelings of others when confronted with their demands. This is normal and age-appropriate in children. However, this survival-oriented framework should mellow into relational skills such as empathy, objectivity, self-control and Emotional Maturity as humans reach adolescence and adulthood. Emotionally mature adults realize and accept that many situations in life are outside their control. When faced with a difficult situation or unexpected problem, they are able to understand and manage their emotions while working collaboratively toward solutions. Emotionally mature people are able to accept and deal with what happens in life – they don’t expect life to be perfect, easy, or problem-free. In a relationship, Emotional Maturity is demonstrated through your attitude and behavior toward yourself and your partner. Some of the Key Components of Emotional Maturity Are:
Relationships move in the direction of calmness, ease and happiness when you consistently set the example of demonstrating Emotional Maturity whether your partner does or not. You avoid so much unnecessary drama. You stay in control of yourself and don’t succumb to damaging or irrational behaviors. You compromise because you remember that you love this person. And you feel good about yourself because you know that you are creating your relationship on a daily basis by your attitudes and behaviors. How Can You Increase Your Emotional Maturity? Strengthening your emotional maturity is a process. To start, you can give yourself permission not to react negatively when you are provoked. Try to observe your impulses and reactions in stressful situations and realize that you have the ability to choose how you want to respond in any moment. Notice how you feel when things don’t go the way you want. Listen to your self-talk. Feel what's going on in your body. It helps to write down your thoughts and feelings. Then think of alternatives or 're-frames'. How else could you interpret what is going on? What is a more balanced way of looking at the situation? Is there a different, kinder, nicer way you can conceptualize the current problem rather than heaping blame on yourself or someone else? How you choose to respond consistently over a period of time is going to determine the quality of your relationship. In other words, you can't get to this great, loving relationship if you're still frequently stuck in blaming, non-acceptance and/or guilt mode. The next time a 'situation' arises, slow down. Try not to react immediately. Be honest with yourself about how you feel emotionally. Think about how to state your feelings and opinions in a respectful, non-judgmental way. Learn to laugh at yourself and life. Notice how you feel when you remain calm. And then notice how your partner responds to you. See how your relationship will be improved by integrating knowledge of Emotional Maturity! by Carol L. Meylan, MBA, LCSW
I always did something I was a little not ready to do. I think that’s how you grow. When there’s that moment of “Wow, I’m not really sure I can do this!”and you push through those moments, that’s when you have a breakthrough. Marissa Mayer By Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
It makes you wonder what is real. Is this relationship a real thing or something created by me being nice?
Your Well-Being How you feel about your life, relationships and emotions, are of utmost importance to the life that you are creating around you. So it is important to learn to acknowledge and tell the truth about your emotions, and to stay focused on what is wanted. That means that if something is a bucket of shit, you call it a bucket of shit! You don't call it a vase of roses. Many people can get that mixed up even though they are two completely different things. We notice that instead of telling the truth, many people are too used to being polite and careful to please everyone, everyone all the time. Everyone, everyone except yourself! When you become afraid of saying "No, I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to do that" or sharing how you truly feel about something important because someone may not like it, you are suffering from NICE-ITIS. This is a 'disease' in which a person believes he or she has to be Nice all the time and please everyone in order to avoid feeling guilty and be an acceptable or good person. As soon as you lose your ability to feel your emotions and boundaries, let alone set them with others... you're in trouble. Wouldn't it be better to say "No... that is not really a vase of roses... but there must be a purpose to everything in life." The other choice would be to basically lie... and Stuff your true feelings. I suggest that a more self-affirming attitude would be, "It smells like shit.... so it can probably be turned into fertilizer." You didn't realize that being overly nice could be equivalent to being a liar and cover-up artist?! Making everyone happy can give a person an illusion of control which can be comforting on some level (especially if you have experienced trauma in your past) If I let people get upset, something really bad might happen... If others are happy with you, you can feel good about yourself. You may be exhausted and totally burned out but you can tell yourself, "Everything is under control, I made sure everyone has what they need, everyone is okay". Notice that your ability to feel good in this case is dependent on whether others are pleased with your efforts or not. Depending on another person to have a particular emotional or behavioral response can be a risky business because humans tend to be unpredictable and need to be self-focused for survival. This is a biological mandate, so we're not going to do any good trying to tell people not to be so selfish. It can take a tremendous amount of effort and personal sacrifice to constantly 'Please' someone else. So, if we can't actually depend on the result we are hoping for (the person being pleased)... and we are probably feeling exhausted and unappreciated by trying to be nice all the time... what is the point? A more realistic expectation is that partners, parents, lovers friends and children can be depended upon for one thing... and that is to disappoint. And to disappoint often! So how we learn to acknowledge and respond to our true feelings, and to tell the constructive truth without attacking, is to create a closer bond instead of emotional distance even hatred. NICE-ITIS goes along with STUFF-IT 'Nice' is not particularly authentic, as you don't let others really get to know you. You hide and Stuff your true feelings, wants, needs and desires. You don't let anyone see the 'Not Nice' aspects, except for the times when you have "Stuffed It" long enough and you "Blow" which may happen from time to time and make people say that you are explosive or crazy. No, you are not crazy, but you are worn out from trying to please people all the time and then feeling guilty and horrible when no matter how hard you try... they cannot be depended upon to be pleased. Being overly nice or perfect can tend to make long-term relationships problematic for a few reasons. For one thing, others may avoid you or take advantage of your good nature, because they feel inferior and guilty compared to your virtuous self-sacrifice. In the long run, it tends to be difficult to stay with a person who is more Nice than Authentic. It can become impossible to stay with someone so perfect... when your partner is only too aware of his or her own imperfections... anger, fear, self-centeredness or other aspects or vices. It isn't necessarily that easy to share an honest emotional bond with an exceptionally nice or perfect person also due to fear of being judged by someone superior. Challenge Questions
If you're suffering from NICE-ITIS and STUFF-IT, we can help you learn to get rid of guilt and feel good about allowing your true self to come out! by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
 A dogmatic person in a relationship may be seen as being inflexible and stubborn. (Maybe like a dog with a bone, haha! "I'm not letting it go no matter what.") Maybe it's you or your partner who tends to be more strong-willed about certain things in the relationship. But, there is an important distinction to make between just being obstinate overall with no particular dogma underneath, and having faith in a core ideology that compels the dogmatic person to encourage, insist or scheme so that family and friends follow a particular belief and/or behavior system. Meanwhile friends, family, co-workers may feel pressured and don't like the Dogma at all and find it very difficult to get along with and/or love this person. Relationship problems can occur when a dogmatic person feels that his 'dogma' or set of rules has authoritative backing such as a religious, moral, political. health, social, human and animal rights, environmental or other 'higher-purpose' ideology. His belief may be: It is Essential for others to also adhere to the Dogma! ("...because it has a higher purpose, not because I say so!") Extreme dogmatism is obvious in our global society as dogmatic factions have continued to inflict incredible harm on each other on a daily basis since the beginning of human civilization. We as individuals are powerful enough to work with this problem on the micro level of our own families. The key to consider is whether or not someone believes they have the right to change the beliefs and/or behaviors of another person because of what may be thought of as a higher purpose. And, if we are on the receiving end of attempted dogmatic indoctrination, how do we be more brave, honest and congruent? A problem can occur in relationships when others are also expected to adhere to the Dogma or face negative consequences. Religious Belief SystemsPeople often demand that their family, friends and loved ones to adhere to the same religion or ideology that they do. When a friend or family member doesn't believe in the same god or religious doctrine, there can be an incredible number of bad feelings and negative consequences... ...from scolding and disapproval to punishing, withdrawal of attention and affection, up to hostile criticism, withdrawal of financial support, loss of housing, shaming and passive aggressive manipulations.The dogmatic person has learned that these are useful for producing Guilt or Shame in another person, thereby inducing compliance in order to relieve negative emotions. As we know, if subtler techniques fail, certain dogmatic individuals and groups may up the ante to attempt to change someone's belief and behavior more aggressively... up to incarceration, torture, murder and suicide can be used if you don't believe in the same god or adhere to a particular set of practices. In relationships, extreme dogmatism can lead to anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. How do we deal with this dynamic? To improve relationships and feelings of happiness and satisfaction within families, individuals would benefit from improving respect and acceptance of the beliefs and opinions of others. Accept the opinions of others as their opinions. Notice I didn't say agree, comply or obey. Yes you disagree! And No, this person may not accept that! This person may dismiss or debunk your ideas and you may feel rejected and angry. What to Do When You Disagree About Dogma First and most important, Make sure you really understand what the other person is saying by using active-reflective listening and emotionally focused communication.
Third, if you feel that the situation is escalating and the dogmatic person is not letting you have autonomous control of your own mind, and you have decided to change the fighting dynamic, and the person is persisting or has been drinking right now, it's fine to excuse yourself from the conversation without pushing the abandonment button. "I'm sorry I have to go now, I'll think about what you said. We can talk more later." You can create a more harmonious relationship with a dogmatic person by working with your own responses to create a more honest and respectful feedback loop. It depends on what you want your relationship to be: characterized by acceptance, patience, tolerance and love, or control, shame, blame, conflict and avoidance? You set the example, you be the leader if you are trying to have a pleasant and loving relationship with a dogmatic person! Sexual Orientation, Animal Rights, Shopping and Other Social IssuesFor some people, the ideology is too important to be flexible. For example if a son or daughter or parent comes out as LGBT, family members and friend may have historically reacted very negatively. There are ways to stay true to your own personal belief system and avoid conflicts if this type of situation is happening in your family. If you want to have a happy family, It is important to practice acceptance and allowance of the free will of others even when you disagree with someone's choices. (If we are talking about young children, of course you are the parent making the decisions right now.) Dietary PracticesI'm mentioning this because people can be so stressed out having to deal with family members over what we are having or not having for dinner. Many people have adopted unusual and/or restrictive dietary habits. If you can't agree on the food, focus on creating a pleasant and supportive experience of sharing meals together whatever you are eating. Keywords on this are: cooperation, communication, appreciation, acceptance, patience and flexibility. If you want to have a good time and build happy memories with your family, be flexible about Dogma around mealtime if others disagree.
You can still adhere to your beliefs and not compromise yourself while extending courtesy, good manners and helping others feel positive about themselves and their relationships. Appreciate those people that you have with you right now to help you enjoy your life. Don't be afraid to set a boundary with courtesy and respect. It is your job to honor yourself and tell the truth, and conduct yourself with dignity. By Carol L. Meylan, LCSW, MBA and Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
But let's be honest... most people feel the need to express dissatisfaction or irritation to their partner at times. How can we do that... staying true to ourselves but not damaging the relationship in the process? ... And even daring to hope about coming to a clear resolution where everyone feels heard, eventually bringing us closer when there is a conflict? Here are some comments that are particularly hurtful and should be avoided. These comments, especially when accompanied by an attitude of contempt are poison to a relationship. You are literally injecting poison into your relationship if you are using this type of communication. It will permanently damage your relationship, so let's think of better ways to communicate dissatisfaction or request a change in something. The point is, it is relatively easy to monitor your communication so that you are being honest and also being aware of an ongoing practice of creating the type of relationship you desire on a day-to-day basis. Beware of These Four Relationship-Damaging Phrases: 1. "Chill”. Other variations are “relax”, “calm down” and “get a grip”.When you say these words to an angry or upset person, this tends to infuriate him/her and make the situation worse! Why? Because hearing “chill out/relax” from one’s partner sounds condescending and dismissive at a time when he/she really needs understanding and support. Your partner is much more likely to actually calm down if you say: “You seem really upset. Let’s talk about this. I want to help... or... Tell me what's going on.” 2. “You always….” or “You never….”Often when we are angry about something our partner has done more than a few times, we tend to over-generalize and lash out with “You always do this….You always think of yourself….You never think of me first…”. These global statements sound critical and judgmental and push others away. “You always” comments also put your partner on the defensive – of course he/she doesn’t "always" text while talking to you, even if it sometimes feels like he does. Your partner will hear you much better if you simply state the problem or issue, such as: “I notice that you are texting right now while I am talking." Positive Response Styles
3. “This is why….”Statements such as “this is why you haven’t been successful” or “this is why you can’t save money” are harsh and hurtful and can be very damaging to a relationship. This broad statement makes the speaker seem disdainful and contemptuous of his partner, as if he is smarter and superior. No one wants to feel put-down, especially by someone who is supposed to love them.
4. “Whatever” or “Whatever You Say…”Saying “Whatever…” indicates that you are through with the conversation and don’t want to listen to your partner any more. “Whatever” is dismissive and shows a lack of interest and respect for your partner’s opinions. Dismissiveness is a close cousin to contempt, which is one of the top predictors of divorce (according to marriage expert John Gottman Ph.D).
If you are feeling exhausted by a conversation and want it to end, use Solution-Focused and Emotionally-Focused responses such, “We have a difference of opinion on this.” “Thank you for being honest and sharing your opinions, I appreciate that. Let me think about this for a while. Let's discuss it more tomorrow (later)?" Listen to yourself when you talk to your partner to see if you use any of the negative phrases or find yourself criticizing or blaming. When you catch yourself hurling potentially damaging statements around, you can apologize and start over. If you need more help to improve communication in your relationship, we are here to help. by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
When parents and teens are having stresses conflicts and fundamental disagreements, I often (not always) recommend parent-teen sessions rather than making the teen the identified patient and, 'putting the teen in therapy.' Working with members of a family together can help improve communication and a sense of belonging, not someone being singled out as the problem. Being heard, valued and connected strengthens the family system for everyone.
What happens in a family therapy session? Usually the most talkative person starts first. (Haha!) Normally I ask each person about the problem from their point of view. Each person gets a chance to talk without being interrupted or disrespected. When people come to a session for the first time, some are a little nervous, others are ready to start talking right away. So it can be helpful to let the person who is most comfortable, tell about the problems first. This may often be the parent. But sometimes teens need to be listened to, and they may want to talk first. We May Adopt a Three Part Process for Brief Therapy: 1. Knowledge - We have to know and understand what the other person is thinking and feeling; what they want and why. Of course, we have to know what we ourselves honestly want and need. We may have to work through a few layers to gain this knowledge about what is going on from everyone's perspective. We may also have to learn about developmental tasks and stages and life span development of the family. 2. Strategy - Once we know what's going on, we need to develop a strategy for helping each other get what they need and feel good in the process. This usually involves communication and relational skills practice, scripting, appreciation, affirmative focus and possible implementation of behavioral reinforcement techniques. 3. Execution - We have to put a loose plan into action. This need not be an onerous assignment, but we may have to start exercising a certain amount of self-discipline or re-direction if things have gotten out of control in our relatinohips. We may need to stop calling people names. We may need to learn to come in contact with the truth and learn to tell the truth more often. We will have to put into practice strategies about what we learn. Returning to the first session again, while one person is talking, the other people in the session are practicing a few things. How to practice active, reflective listening and how not to become defensive and start engaging in the normal attack-counter attack scenario. We are going to have to re-learn certain communication habits in order to improve relationships, and therefore the overall well-being of family members. We will also practice other techniques such as reflecting content and feeling. Also how not to become abusive or disrespectful and what to do if that happens. Parents and teens will learn to express disagreement constructively and negotiate changing roles having to do with the process of the teen's individuation into adulthood. We are available after school and on Saturdays. Contact us, we can help! by Carol L. Meylan, LCSW
You want your old life back where you loved and trusted each other. |
 | There are many things to consider when a teenager is being difficult. In this article we'll explore a few of them and some ways you can support your developing teen. "Our family used to be so happy together." |
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
"The world revolves around me, make me feel safe!"
To develop optimally, an infant needs to live in an atmosphere of trust. This means a feeling of physical comfort and a minimal amount of fear about getting needs met. In other words, we don't want the baby to be wondering, "If I cry out for Mom, will she come and be mad or anxious?" "Or not come at all?"
It is important for the infant to learn that if he cries because he is hungry or wet, or maybe has a tummy ache or fever, or is just lonely and bored, a responsive and sensitive caregiver comes along quickly with a pleasant attitude to help. This promotes trust.
If I am a baby, I'm thinking, "Everything is okay here, I'm safe and there's someone to hold me when I feel like it. Hey, and definitely help me out if I'm wet or cold or hot or hungry or overstimulated!" "Oh, and do something to keep me entertained… but not too much, okay?"
Doing the physical things to make a baby feel safe is pretty self-explanatory. However, if you are in a stressed-out world of your own, with work, other kids maybe, in-laws, money issues, fighting with your spouse, it may be hard to be emotionally present and responsive the way you would like.
Needless to say, if parents are fighting in the next room, this does not lead to a baby developing a sense of trust and solid attachment. This is not to make you feel guilty, but to suggest adjusting your behavior if you're doing this. Fighting within earshot of infants should be avoided even if you think they can't understand. Their physiology is affected and it causes stress. Exposure to this type of stimulus has been shown to cause changes in the brain. Need I say more?
Don't forget your vibe. Infants are expert at picking up a tone of voice or body posture or facial expression and having emotional responses. Learn to compartmentalize and focus on enjoying what you are doing in the moment. I like to do a symbolic gesture of locking my 'troubles' in the car. Why not set whatever crisis of the moment aside before coming into the house to interact with your family?
Try not to be overcommitted with activities at this time, you and your partner are going through a developmental phase of your own. Becoming parents and raising a family is a huge adjustment in and of itself, and the relationship needs time and attention.
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
 It has been said that a relationship is a lot like a chess match. To win is to gain love, respect and acceptance and the material things we need not just for surviving, but also for thriving. |
And which of my pieces might I have to negotiate away to get the things I most need and want as we move through our daily lives together?
When you are working on challenges, conflicts and unwanted patterns with your loved ones, think about the rules you have created for the game of your relationship, and I challenge you consider...
Which game are you playing?
When you are working on challenges, conflicts and unwanted patterns with your loved ones, think about the rules you have created for the game of your relationship, and I challenge you consider...
Which game are you playing?
| The Rules A (Are you the placator?)
| The Rules B (Are you the tyrant?)
|
How about if we try this instead?:
- We go into the negotiation with the belief that participants are problem solvers.
- Each person takes the time to hear and understand the other.
- Disagreement is tolerated and listened to.
- Ask "What is it that you really need here?" and listen carefully to the answer.
- Make it clear that polite and careful listening does not equal agreement or obedience.
- When we disagree, we avoid blaming, criticizing and complaining.
- Focus on the "interests" of each person, "What does each person need to gain in this situation?
- Invent options for mutual gain, "How can we both get what we want here?"
- Be reasonable and yield to what makes sense and is fair rather than demanding or posturing.
- The goal is a wise outcome reached efficiently and peacefully.
- We end the negotiation feeling closer to each other and mutually supported for that moment.
- We build these positive moments one after another creating a winning relationship.
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
Does your lover ever say to you, "Why are you so defensive!?"
Does she say, "You never listen..."
What we need to understand is that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response.
When feeling threatened, our ancestors would fight back to keep from being eaten by a bigger or more aggressive or powerful creature. Be it wild animal or another person.
If we can recognize that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response, we can gain more control over unpleasant emotions and arguments.
Does she say, "You never listen..."
What we need to understand is that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response.
When feeling threatened, our ancestors would fight back to keep from being eaten by a bigger or more aggressive or powerful creature. Be it wild animal or another person.
If we can recognize that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response, we can gain more control over unpleasant emotions and arguments.
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
 | Clients often ask, "How can I get more of what I really want… and stop getting everything I don't want?" |
Do we see a bee flitting around a beautiful plant without flowers? No… the bee is wise and knows he will not find what he is looking for unless there is a blossom.
Do we see a butterfly landing on a cactus? Probably not, the butterfly is looking for water and minerals. Do these creatures exhaust themselves trying to get what they need in wrong places, or to force a plant to change its essential nature so that they can be satisfied?
Humans can imitate these humble creatures and look for what we want in a places where it can actually be found, and then be direct about getting what we want without injuring anyone else in the process. Grab a pen and paper if you want; here are a few steps to think about (this post contains the first two of four steps):
Exercise #1: Decide What You Really Want
Think about what you want in terms of the positive feelings you would experience when it is happening....
I want to feel secure; that is more true when...
I want to be happier than I am now… that is happening when...
I feel more secure in my relationship when …. is happening.
I want to be treated with respect in this way...
I want my children to be happy and healthy for example when … happens.
I feel …… when my loved ones are happy with me.
I want to be energized; I feel energized when …. happens.
I feel at peace when….
I need more freedom - that happens when...
Now you try it, think about what you really want - in terms of how it makes you feel.
"What I would really like is (fill in the blank)"
Because it makes me feel…
(Optional: share this with a friend)
Exercise #2: Notice Limiting Beliefs
Before this sentence is out of your mouth, you may already be saying:
But I can't have that because…
That's not going to work because…
I can't do that because…
That will never happen because...
I want you to notice and write down the reasons you believe you cannot have what you want and look at them. Hard. Realize that you are making powerful arguments in favor of your limitations. That's okay if you're saying I need to face reality, I get it, but I want you to realize that you are exerting powerful energy in favor of the opposite of what you actually desire.
As long as you are giving strong emotional energy and belief to these reasons (or Limiting Beliefs), you will not be able to get what you want. In the next post we will consider how to suspend Limiting Beliefs and allow more of what we want to flow into our lives.
Do we see a butterfly landing on a cactus? Probably not, the butterfly is looking for water and minerals. Do these creatures exhaust themselves trying to get what they need in wrong places, or to force a plant to change its essential nature so that they can be satisfied?
Humans can imitate these humble creatures and look for what we want in a places where it can actually be found, and then be direct about getting what we want without injuring anyone else in the process. Grab a pen and paper if you want; here are a few steps to think about (this post contains the first two of four steps):
Exercise #1: Decide What You Really Want
Think about what you want in terms of the positive feelings you would experience when it is happening....
I want to feel secure; that is more true when...
I want to be happier than I am now… that is happening when...
I feel more secure in my relationship when …. is happening.
I want to be treated with respect in this way...
I want my children to be happy and healthy for example when … happens.
I feel …… when my loved ones are happy with me.
I want to be energized; I feel energized when …. happens.
I feel at peace when….
I need more freedom - that happens when...
Now you try it, think about what you really want - in terms of how it makes you feel.
"What I would really like is (fill in the blank)"
Because it makes me feel…
(Optional: share this with a friend)
Exercise #2: Notice Limiting Beliefs
Before this sentence is out of your mouth, you may already be saying:
But I can't have that because…
That's not going to work because…
I can't do that because…
That will never happen because...
I want you to notice and write down the reasons you believe you cannot have what you want and look at them. Hard. Realize that you are making powerful arguments in favor of your limitations. That's okay if you're saying I need to face reality, I get it, but I want you to realize that you are exerting powerful energy in favor of the opposite of what you actually desire.
As long as you are giving strong emotional energy and belief to these reasons (or Limiting Beliefs), you will not be able to get what you want. In the next post we will consider how to suspend Limiting Beliefs and allow more of what we want to flow into our lives.
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
 I have observed that relationships can be a major sources of exhaustion for many people. |
In spite of the fact that as humans we need intimate relationships to thrive and live fully, it's worthwhile to note that relationships are often a major source of frustration and pain.
It may be important for you to develop healthier strategies to avoid getting fatigued, burned out or developing physical or emotional symptoms if you are in a relationship with A Controlling Person. Let's call this person our beloved ACP.
Almost anyone in a family, workplace or any kind of group or 'system' can emerge as A Controlling Person. Often it's a partner, parent in-law, co-worker, boss or even a child who takes on that role in a family or group.
ACP claims to know what's best for you. He often starts sentences with Do you know what you need? and then proceeds to tell you, piling on unsolicited advice about sensitive issues like your weight, how you feel, what you want to do, or who you are. These comments can range from insensitive to irritating and abusive.
What can be most baffling is that ACP usually doesn't see himself or herself as controlling or insensitive, and seems completely unaware about the feelings and body language responses of others. He sees himself as only helpful and right.
ACP is often a perfectionist. He or she may feel, If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. He may be very hard on himself too, such as hitting the gym every day at 5 am, demanding a strict dietary regime, following a rigid set of self-imposed rules, being a clean-o-holic, germ-o-phobe, neat freak, moral police force, workaholic, etc.
Extreme cases of ACP may be classified as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, where a person is rigidly concerned with details, lists, rules and dominating others.
What to do? Start to teach ACP how to treat you. If you are struggling with an overly controlling loved one, here are some strategies to try.
1. Listen. Implement active listening phrases in the relationship such as I'm listening and Continue please to make sure everyone understands each other. (Remember, listening does not equal agreement, obeying or caving.)
2. Re-Direct. If you don't want to talk about something say, 'Thank you for sharing your opinion on that, I'll think about what you said, now I would like to change the subject."
3. Be honest. If something is insulting or doesn't feel good, say so in a polite way, talking about Yourself. This will help you keep from getting angry and resentful. For example, That really doesn't feel too good at all. If you're frustrated say so. I'm getting frustrated that I've asked to change the subject and we keep going back to that subject.
4. Be generous with praise and appreciation. This helps everyone stay motivated. A simple Thank You works wonders to get started.
4. Take space. If you are doing a good job on 1 to 4 above, and yet continue to feel belittled or criticized, it's perfectly okay to take space for a while rather than get into never-ending conflicts and arguments about the same subject.
Try something like, I want to be in a relationship that helps me feel good about myself... that's not really happening right now. I want to be in a relationship where I feel good and enjoy the present moments.
5. Hold good thoughts about ACP. Think about all the things you love and appreciate about that person when he's not around. And don't be afraid to say so next time you see him.
6. Schedule a session. Therapy can be very helpful in re-establishing healthier relationships with the controlling person in your life. We have lots of experience and will be happy to help you be more understood in your relationships. cb
It may be important for you to develop healthier strategies to avoid getting fatigued, burned out or developing physical or emotional symptoms if you are in a relationship with A Controlling Person. Let's call this person our beloved ACP.
Almost anyone in a family, workplace or any kind of group or 'system' can emerge as A Controlling Person. Often it's a partner, parent in-law, co-worker, boss or even a child who takes on that role in a family or group.
ACP claims to know what's best for you. He often starts sentences with Do you know what you need? and then proceeds to tell you, piling on unsolicited advice about sensitive issues like your weight, how you feel, what you want to do, or who you are. These comments can range from insensitive to irritating and abusive.
What can be most baffling is that ACP usually doesn't see himself or herself as controlling or insensitive, and seems completely unaware about the feelings and body language responses of others. He sees himself as only helpful and right.
ACP is often a perfectionist. He or she may feel, If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself. He may be very hard on himself too, such as hitting the gym every day at 5 am, demanding a strict dietary regime, following a rigid set of self-imposed rules, being a clean-o-holic, germ-o-phobe, neat freak, moral police force, workaholic, etc.
Extreme cases of ACP may be classified as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, where a person is rigidly concerned with details, lists, rules and dominating others.
What to do? Start to teach ACP how to treat you. If you are struggling with an overly controlling loved one, here are some strategies to try.
1. Listen. Implement active listening phrases in the relationship such as I'm listening and Continue please to make sure everyone understands each other. (Remember, listening does not equal agreement, obeying or caving.)
2. Re-Direct. If you don't want to talk about something say, 'Thank you for sharing your opinion on that, I'll think about what you said, now I would like to change the subject."
3. Be honest. If something is insulting or doesn't feel good, say so in a polite way, talking about Yourself. This will help you keep from getting angry and resentful. For example, That really doesn't feel too good at all. If you're frustrated say so. I'm getting frustrated that I've asked to change the subject and we keep going back to that subject.
4. Be generous with praise and appreciation. This helps everyone stay motivated. A simple Thank You works wonders to get started.
4. Take space. If you are doing a good job on 1 to 4 above, and yet continue to feel belittled or criticized, it's perfectly okay to take space for a while rather than get into never-ending conflicts and arguments about the same subject.
Try something like, I want to be in a relationship that helps me feel good about myself... that's not really happening right now. I want to be in a relationship where I feel good and enjoy the present moments.
5. Hold good thoughts about ACP. Think about all the things you love and appreciate about that person when he's not around. And don't be afraid to say so next time you see him.
6. Schedule a session. Therapy can be very helpful in re-establishing healthier relationships with the controlling person in your life. We have lots of experience and will be happy to help you be more understood in your relationships. cb
by Guest Blogger T.
In this guest post, T shares one technique
he uses to successfully manage mood and
obsession issues. I know you will enjoy his
insights as much as I did. cb
One of the cognitive distortions that I regularly fight against is mind-reading. So, when I started thinking negative thoughts, and as an experiment, I literally tried disarming the negative thoughts with a smile. In doing this, I started to progressively feel better throughout the afternoon. I immediately started forward-thinking that I am going to be smiling 24 hours a day! As an example, I started thinking negative thoughts regarding other surfers. Instead of getting really anxious about their negative thoughts, I just started smiling. Then another bad thought came, and guess what? I chose to just start smiling. I started to realize that the root of the negative thought is like a negative comment from someone.
I also realized that disarming with a smile can be just that…a smile! In my previous post, I disarmed with a smile and then had a mantra that helped me cope with the situation. So, I found another methodology that works for me! That is, to just smile and not attach any words to the situation. For example, if I am upset that someone on the freeway is driving erratically, instead of smiling and saying, “there’s my friend in a hurry”, what about just smiling? Saying “there’s my friend in a hurry” implies a relationship with the erratic driver. This may not be a bad thing, but what if they start behaving shortly thereafter on the road? Then, I assume that I would have mixed feelings about the situation. So, I am going to make an attempt to just smile.
I have to admit that I didn’t know that the result would be so profound. The feeling carried me the rest of the day and into the evening. I am in an applied mathematics graduate program and am in my final semester. I felt so clear in class that I literally had the most enjoyable lecture in the whole degree. I even wrote an email to the professor that read, “Thank you for your lecture tonight. I really wanted to let you know that I thoroughly enjoyed the presentation and am really looking forward to the rest of the semester.” I have never written to a professor before, and I think I am displaying some aura of confidence that I hope the reader can appreciate.
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
In talking about betrayal, philosophers and therapists usually describe 'forgiveness' as a way to heal. However, I would say that forgiveness that is expected, automatic or forced is rarely deep and authentic.
If you are struggling with a situation involving forgiveness, it can be difficult when you want to forgive your someone, but still find yourself feeling resentful and angry. You can't will yourself to like brussels sprouts if you really hate them. You can't make yourself forgive someone even though you may want to, or think it's a good idea. It is similar to trying to force yourself to be in love with a person you are supposed to be in love with, or not in love with a person who is 'just a friend.' The opposite and complementary problem of course, is trying to force yourself to hate things you should not like, which may happen to be your actual and true favorites!
You can't automatically will yourself to forgive someone who has caused you pain and humiliation, just because you decide you should forgive that person and move on.
As much as you think you should forgive someone, and as much as you might try to force yourself to forgive that person, it can be hard to feel free and truly forgive. If you're not totally successful at being in a forgiving attitude all of the time,, you may succumb to beating up on yourself and feeling guilty because you believe you should forgive.
"Now I'm a bad person for not forgiving that person who did that to me in the first place... and messed up my life... and now I feel weak because I'm still feeling resentful and angry about what happened. And how did I get myself into this mess... and why can't I get over it, and get my life back to normal."
How can genuine Freedom occur (and in this context I would like to call Freedom and Forgiveness synonyms), if right now you are in a position of anger, disgust and utter revulsion? Here is an example of one way that a natural feeling of forgiveness can emerge.
A hurt partner may often feel very alone in their pain and suffering. Everything they believed about their world may have been shattered like a priceless crystal goblet. The unfaithful partner will need to listen, provide information, tolerate restrictions and questions, and empathize with emotional outbursts for awhile if the relationship is to be salvaged.
This is like looking at the shattered crystal shards on the floor and just being sad about the fact that the goblet is destroyed without trying to sweep it up, promise to buy a new one, explaining how it got broken, or that it's not my fault that it got broken.
Feeling understood is where the seeds of forgiveness are germinated. It may take many repeated experiences of seeing the unfaithful partner's sadness about the betrayal for the hurt partner to start to feel understood. You can't turn back the clock and erase what happened, but if the hurt person can feel understood and accepted in that place of anger and suffering, partners can start to feel close again.
If the unfaithful partner is willing to listen and understand how mad and completely upside down the world has become, the hurt partner will start to heal. This will take time. Patience and unplugging defensiveness is required to establish trust and safety. If you are expecting healing to take a month or six, that's probably not a realistic expectation.
Instead of encouraging my clients to forgive or use forgiveness as a goal, I help them find the tools to accept and communicate their True feelings whatever they may be. In that place of vulnerability we learn self-acceptance, and it becomes natural to forgive and re-harmonize relationships. This is one way a relationship can heal after betrayal and a relationship can be inoculated against repeat occurrences. Fill out the Contact Form if you would like help with getting more Freedom from negative emotional cycles.
If you are struggling with a situation involving forgiveness, it can be difficult when you want to forgive your someone, but still find yourself feeling resentful and angry. You can't will yourself to like brussels sprouts if you really hate them. You can't make yourself forgive someone even though you may want to, or think it's a good idea. It is similar to trying to force yourself to be in love with a person you are supposed to be in love with, or not in love with a person who is 'just a friend.' The opposite and complementary problem of course, is trying to force yourself to hate things you should not like, which may happen to be your actual and true favorites!
You can't automatically will yourself to forgive someone who has caused you pain and humiliation, just because you decide you should forgive that person and move on.
As much as you think you should forgive someone, and as much as you might try to force yourself to forgive that person, it can be hard to feel free and truly forgive. If you're not totally successful at being in a forgiving attitude all of the time,, you may succumb to beating up on yourself and feeling guilty because you believe you should forgive.
"Now I'm a bad person for not forgiving that person who did that to me in the first place... and messed up my life... and now I feel weak because I'm still feeling resentful and angry about what happened. And how did I get myself into this mess... and why can't I get over it, and get my life back to normal."
How can genuine Freedom occur (and in this context I would like to call Freedom and Forgiveness synonyms), if right now you are in a position of anger, disgust and utter revulsion? Here is an example of one way that a natural feeling of forgiveness can emerge.
A hurt partner may often feel very alone in their pain and suffering. Everything they believed about their world may have been shattered like a priceless crystal goblet. The unfaithful partner will need to listen, provide information, tolerate restrictions and questions, and empathize with emotional outbursts for awhile if the relationship is to be salvaged.
This is like looking at the shattered crystal shards on the floor and just being sad about the fact that the goblet is destroyed without trying to sweep it up, promise to buy a new one, explaining how it got broken, or that it's not my fault that it got broken.
Feeling understood is where the seeds of forgiveness are germinated. It may take many repeated experiences of seeing the unfaithful partner's sadness about the betrayal for the hurt partner to start to feel understood. You can't turn back the clock and erase what happened, but if the hurt person can feel understood and accepted in that place of anger and suffering, partners can start to feel close again.
If the unfaithful partner is willing to listen and understand how mad and completely upside down the world has become, the hurt partner will start to heal. This will take time. Patience and unplugging defensiveness is required to establish trust and safety. If you are expecting healing to take a month or six, that's probably not a realistic expectation.
Instead of encouraging my clients to forgive or use forgiveness as a goal, I help them find the tools to accept and communicate their True feelings whatever they may be. In that place of vulnerability we learn self-acceptance, and it becomes natural to forgive and re-harmonize relationships. This is one way a relationship can heal after betrayal and a relationship can be inoculated against repeat occurrences. Fill out the Contact Form if you would like help with getting more Freedom from negative emotional cycles.
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
"When my emotions get triggered about something... when I get upset, I don't know what to do with my emotions. I don't want to lash out. Help! What can I do when I'm upset about something?"
- R.M. Manhattan Beach
I wanted to answer this question from a reader because it is such a common problem.
We all get triggered. We have emotional responses to stimuli. It's a part of being human. Often we don't even know what's really going on, or why we have gotten so freaked out over something so trivial.
What has happened is that your fight or flight response has gotten triggered. The survival of you and your ego has gotten threatened.
Remember the ancient need for humans to run away from tigers, or defend against a neighboring tribe trying to kill you and take away your women and children?
As human beings have been evolving, we have needed the subconscious fight or flight response so we could be prepared to engage in physical activity (running away, fighting) to insure the continuation of our DNA. We are physiologically wired for this response to insure the continuation of our species.
Obviously this type of mechanism is no longer that adaptive as we are currently confronted with different types of threats to our safety and security. Instead of defending against tigers and sword-wielding natives, we do battle with identity theft and government regulations, car-mageddon, and insurance companies.
What we need now is a peace and relaxation hormone to be released when we're sitting in gridlock on a deadline still 5 miles away from our destination after leaving an hour early to make sure we arrive on time. Or dealing with a million different problems where extreme patience and perseverance are the responses needed for managing threats to safety and achieving the desired result in modern life.
Instead, the fight or flight hormone cocktail is released, our cognitive processes get hijacked by adrenaline, and we're struggling to manage our emotions, swerving in and out of traffic, arguing with back seat drivers, or soothing our anxiety by eating junk food, smoking, having an anxiety attack or pity party, or looking at porn on our i-phones while we're inching down the road.
It would seem more adaptive in our current environment, to have psysiological responses that promoted patience and persistence. For example... maybe an influx of a peace and relaxation hormone. Wouldn't that be better? Perhaps we are in the process of accomplishing this evolutionary adaptation at the present time.
Meanwhile, as we wait for that change to occur, here are some ideas to re-educate or
re-direct this fight or flight response into something more efficacious for modern life.
1. Slow down and notice that you are getting triggered. It's okay to notice that, and say to yourself...
I'm getting irritated right now ... I'm feeling anxious... I'm getting mad about what is going on here.
Be honest. It's okay to say you're angry if you are. It serves you better to tell the truth than be mad and kick the dog, so to speak... or develop heart problems and physical ailments when you try to suppress your emotional energy.
Allow yourself to acknowledge, I feel myself getting hijacked by adrenaline. I can feel myself ready to fight... my heart is racing or my gut is constricting. I understand that this is my body's unconscious way of responding to a perceived threat.
In your subconscious mind, this is no different than being chased by a tiger... your survival or the survival or your ego is threatened, and your body responds with a surge of physiological processes so you can start fighting or run away.
So, the first thing to do is:
Notice your response. The thing you're doing automatically without thinking...
Then ask yourself, what is this threat really about? What perception of a threat that I am dealing with here?
Next, know that you have a choice. That your conscious mind can and will can override these processes if you choose. You always have the power to choose. Don't believe the lie that you are a victim or helpless. It may take effort. It always takes a little time and effort to process an emotional response and learn new ways of reacting. Don't expect yourself to automatically get over something just because you want to.
Emotional injuries are a lot like physical injuries in that they take time to heal. Rest is a good idea if you have received an emotional or physical injury or other crisis situation.
Learn how to come into contact with how you are really feeling. Honor yourself and the other person by telling the truth about what's going on with you.
We have to risk being vulnerable and not making the other person wrong if we want to feel connected in our relationships.
Here are a few examples of re-scripting in common problem scenarios so that you honor yourself by telling the truth without making the other person feel attacked.
Instead of: You don't pay enough attention to me!
Try: I feel left out.
Instead of: Shut up!
I feel pressured and angry.
Instead of: Don't talk to me like that!
I feel judged. That doesn't feel good at all.
Instead of: How can you leave this here for me to do?!
I feel overwhelmed. I'm completely bummed out.
Instead of: You slept with that whore!
I feel humiliated and disgusted.
Here are more feeling states and sample phrases. If you can learn to recognize and tell the truth when you feel these things in your relationship, you will begin to feel more powerful and less angry and anxious.
Embarrassed
Angry
Unimportant
Disgusted
Overwhelmed
Insignificant
Invisible
Unwanted
Happy
Thrilled
Glad
Thankful
Be honest about your needs and wants:
I want:
help
more consistency
more closeness
more cooperation
respect
admiration
I need:
peace
companionship
space
someone to listen to me
to feel that I matter to you
to know that you appreciate me
to feel adored
I like when I feel...
I don't like when I feel…
I like when…
I don't like when…
I hate when I feel…
REVIEW
Become a Better Listener
Use these phrases:
o Okay.
o Continue, please.
o I'm listening.
o Tell me more about that.
o I hear that you're saying __________________. Is that right?
o I'm confused.
o Can you help me understand what you're saying?
o I didn't know you felt that way.
(Instead of "You shouldn't feel that way… because telling someone what they shouldn't have a feeling that they do have... isn't going to work.)
o I'll think about what you said. (I don't like it, but I'll think about what you said.)
o Thank you for sharing that with me, I know it's not easy to talk about.
o I need a break now.
o We can talk more later.
I hope you enjoy experimenting with these tools, Consider it your lab where you experiment in your relationships. There are a lot of tools to work with, let me know if you need more help. Regular sessions of therapy will help you learn to implement these and other techniques.
cb
- R.M. Manhattan Beach
I wanted to answer this question from a reader because it is such a common problem.
We all get triggered. We have emotional responses to stimuli. It's a part of being human. Often we don't even know what's really going on, or why we have gotten so freaked out over something so trivial.
What has happened is that your fight or flight response has gotten triggered. The survival of you and your ego has gotten threatened.
Remember the ancient need for humans to run away from tigers, or defend against a neighboring tribe trying to kill you and take away your women and children?
As human beings have been evolving, we have needed the subconscious fight or flight response so we could be prepared to engage in physical activity (running away, fighting) to insure the continuation of our DNA. We are physiologically wired for this response to insure the continuation of our species.
Obviously this type of mechanism is no longer that adaptive as we are currently confronted with different types of threats to our safety and security. Instead of defending against tigers and sword-wielding natives, we do battle with identity theft and government regulations, car-mageddon, and insurance companies.
What we need now is a peace and relaxation hormone to be released when we're sitting in gridlock on a deadline still 5 miles away from our destination after leaving an hour early to make sure we arrive on time. Or dealing with a million different problems where extreme patience and perseverance are the responses needed for managing threats to safety and achieving the desired result in modern life.
Instead, the fight or flight hormone cocktail is released, our cognitive processes get hijacked by adrenaline, and we're struggling to manage our emotions, swerving in and out of traffic, arguing with back seat drivers, or soothing our anxiety by eating junk food, smoking, having an anxiety attack or pity party, or looking at porn on our i-phones while we're inching down the road.
It would seem more adaptive in our current environment, to have psysiological responses that promoted patience and persistence. For example... maybe an influx of a peace and relaxation hormone. Wouldn't that be better? Perhaps we are in the process of accomplishing this evolutionary adaptation at the present time.
Meanwhile, as we wait for that change to occur, here are some ideas to re-educate or
re-direct this fight or flight response into something more efficacious for modern life.
1. Slow down and notice that you are getting triggered. It's okay to notice that, and say to yourself...
I'm getting irritated right now ... I'm feeling anxious... I'm getting mad about what is going on here.
Be honest. It's okay to say you're angry if you are. It serves you better to tell the truth than be mad and kick the dog, so to speak... or develop heart problems and physical ailments when you try to suppress your emotional energy.
Allow yourself to acknowledge, I feel myself getting hijacked by adrenaline. I can feel myself ready to fight... my heart is racing or my gut is constricting. I understand that this is my body's unconscious way of responding to a perceived threat.
In your subconscious mind, this is no different than being chased by a tiger... your survival or the survival or your ego is threatened, and your body responds with a surge of physiological processes so you can start fighting or run away.
So, the first thing to do is:
Notice your response. The thing you're doing automatically without thinking...
Then ask yourself, what is this threat really about? What perception of a threat that I am dealing with here?
Next, know that you have a choice. That your conscious mind can and will can override these processes if you choose. You always have the power to choose. Don't believe the lie that you are a victim or helpless. It may take effort. It always takes a little time and effort to process an emotional response and learn new ways of reacting. Don't expect yourself to automatically get over something just because you want to.
Emotional injuries are a lot like physical injuries in that they take time to heal. Rest is a good idea if you have received an emotional or physical injury or other crisis situation.
Learn how to come into contact with how you are really feeling. Honor yourself and the other person by telling the truth about what's going on with you.
We have to risk being vulnerable and not making the other person wrong if we want to feel connected in our relationships.
Here are a few examples of re-scripting in common problem scenarios so that you honor yourself by telling the truth without making the other person feel attacked.
Instead of: You don't pay enough attention to me!
Try: I feel left out.
Instead of: Shut up!
I feel pressured and angry.
Instead of: Don't talk to me like that!
I feel judged. That doesn't feel good at all.
Instead of: How can you leave this here for me to do?!
I feel overwhelmed. I'm completely bummed out.
Instead of: You slept with that whore!
I feel humiliated and disgusted.
Here are more feeling states and sample phrases. If you can learn to recognize and tell the truth when you feel these things in your relationship, you will begin to feel more powerful and less angry and anxious.
Embarrassed
Angry
Unimportant
Disgusted
Overwhelmed
Insignificant
Invisible
Unwanted
Happy
Thrilled
Glad
Thankful
Be honest about your needs and wants:
I want:
help
more consistency
more closeness
more cooperation
respect
admiration
I need:
peace
companionship
space
someone to listen to me
to feel that I matter to you
to know that you appreciate me
to feel adored
I like when I feel...
I don't like when I feel…
I like when…
I don't like when…
I hate when I feel…
REVIEW
Become a Better Listener
Use these phrases:
o Okay.
o Continue, please.
o I'm listening.
o Tell me more about that.
o I hear that you're saying __________________. Is that right?
o I'm confused.
o Can you help me understand what you're saying?
o I didn't know you felt that way.
(Instead of "You shouldn't feel that way… because telling someone what they shouldn't have a feeling that they do have... isn't going to work.)
o I'll think about what you said. (I don't like it, but I'll think about what you said.)
o Thank you for sharing that with me, I know it's not easy to talk about.
o I need a break now.
o We can talk more later.
I hope you enjoy experimenting with these tools, Consider it your lab where you experiment in your relationships. There are a lot of tools to work with, let me know if you need more help. Regular sessions of therapy will help you learn to implement these and other techniques.
cb
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
When a person says, “I really love him or her... I want this relationship to work out” what does that mean? In therapy, I often ask clients to do the Ideal Relationship exercise, where they describe and visualize what their ideal relationship looks like, independent of what might actually be going on in reality right now.
1. Attachment
The first thing I have noticed is that attachment is often mistaken for love.
I may be deeply attached and inter-dependent with a certain person. This can be something sublime or deeply stressful and crazy-making, or somewhere in between. Nothing else in this life has the power of relationship to cause us to reach such heights of ecstasy and despair.
Because I am to a certain extent by necessity, dependent on this person for my happiness (we share children, property and businesses), it matters very much to me how this person behaves, what they think, who they talk to, how they spend their time and money.
If I am coming from a place of not-enough-ness, I may find myself going overboard wondering what he or she is doing, trying to control my partner’s behaviors, telling them how things should be done, demanding explanations. Even such personal things as what he is eating, or how much she wants to talk to her mother. So that I can feel better somehow.
2. Freedom
If I am overly concerned about the appropriateness of my partner’s behaviors and attitudes, likes and dislikes, eventually he or she is going to get tired. It is too much to be responsible for another person’s happiness after a while. It makes a person feel so un-free when they feel monitored or judged. And isn’t that one of our core desires, freedom?
So, each person’s job is to know:
a. You are worthy, you are good enough, just as you are!
b. It's vital to practice acceptance toward yourself and others - you don’t have to require yourself or another person to behave a certain way so that you can feel good.
c. It's okay to focus on your individual happiness, what draws your attention, what inspires you… wherever your talents lie. Have faith in yourself, and move in the direction of things that inspire you. Move away from worrying about what someone else may be thinking, doing, saying, wanting you to do, or feeling about what you are doing. You are the only one in charge of your life and it's right that you should be free to think about things, and do things that make you feel positive.
d. That it's not helpful to explain or defend yourself - better to learn to tell the truth about how you feel, what you like and don’t like, what you want more of.
Focusing this way helps alleviate mood disorders, and helps you get more of what you want. It also makes you more attractive to your partner. Be sure to always focus on what you like and love about your partner, and try to basically ignore things that bug you. This is how relationships go the distance.
3. Attention
Time and attention may be the most valuable aspects of an ideal relationship.
If a person has time and attention for the things that are going on in my life, I feel valuable, I feel loved. Then I am so happy, I feel good, my love hormones are pumping, I want to please in return… a positive feedback loop is happening. I tell my friends my partner is fabulous. I’m not vulnerable to affairs.
On the other hand, If my partner doesn‘t want to listen to my concerns, or sends messages that he or she is not that interested in what I have to say, or outright criticizes me for my feelings, opinions or behaviors, I feel disrespected, unsupported, alone, and probably angry and stuck too.
It’s very easy to give your loved ones your undivided attention every day. Even just for fifteen minutes, give them your undivided attention with no agenda of your own. Just go with the flow of what’s going on with them. One of the best ways to show a person love is to give them your time and undivided attention for a brief while. This is not to make you exhausted with too much giving.
4. Affection
If attachment, freedom and attention are present in a relationship, it is natural that affection will be present too. What is more beautiful than that? That a person hugs and kisses you because they are motivated to. That they try to please and help you because they are motivated. Not because you have demanded or had a contract, or been passive aggressive or dragged them to therapy because you're not getting enough affection. If someone feels they are not getting enough affection, they should refer to the above. It is most often due to a lack of attention, acceptance and appreciation.
Practice working with these ideas and call me if you need more help!
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
Following is a process for learning how to let our emotions be what they are and express them in a way that brings us closer.
In order to express our emotions, we have to risk being vulnerable. This can be difficult, because we often associate vulnerability with getting hurt. It can seem risky for us to allow ourselves to come into touch with our emotions.
In order to get over something, it is useful to risk being vulnerable and tell the complete truth about how we are feeling.
To start with, do this process by yourself. You can decide later if you want to talk about it, or write in a letter, but for now, when you are upset about something, start practicing telling the truth about how you are feeling… at least to yourself.
Do the following process:
Get to a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.
Express yourself at each level before moving on to the next.
Here are some statements to help get you started expressing yourself at each level.
Level 1: Express anger, resentment, blame
I hate it when…
I’m totally fed up with…
I blame you for…
I’m incredibly angry about…
This is why I’m angry about it…
This is not the time to be delicate with your emotions, this is the time to express the darkest, most nitty-gritty way you may be feeling. Once you have expressed all the anger, move on to Level 2, etc.
Level 2: Express disappointment, sadness, hurt
I’m so sad that…
I’m incredibly disappointed…
It makes me so hurt that…
This is why it hurts…
Level 3: Express fears, insecurities, bad memories
I’m so afraid…
What I’m truly afraid of is…
It scares me when…
It reminds me of…
Level 4: Express understanding, empathy, responsibility
I’m sorry that…
Please forgive me for…
I understand how difficult it must be for you because…
It is completely understandable that…
Level 5: Express intention, wishes, connection
I would like to…
I wish that…
I’m hoping for…
I forgive you for…
I really do love you, I care what you think about me.
I think it would be a good idea to...
I appreciate you because…
I love you because…
Once you have done this process, you have expressed the complete truth about you feel. Healing ourselves and our relationships depends on our willingness to go to every single level and learn to tell the truth. This is also often the sort of thing we do in the office in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
In order to express our emotions, we have to risk being vulnerable. This can be difficult, because we often associate vulnerability with getting hurt. It can seem risky for us to allow ourselves to come into touch with our emotions.
In order to get over something, it is useful to risk being vulnerable and tell the complete truth about how we are feeling.
To start with, do this process by yourself. You can decide later if you want to talk about it, or write in a letter, but for now, when you are upset about something, start practicing telling the truth about how you are feeling… at least to yourself.
Do the following process:
Get to a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed.
Express yourself at each level before moving on to the next.
Here are some statements to help get you started expressing yourself at each level.
Level 1: Express anger, resentment, blame
I hate it when…
I’m totally fed up with…
I blame you for…
I’m incredibly angry about…
This is why I’m angry about it…
This is not the time to be delicate with your emotions, this is the time to express the darkest, most nitty-gritty way you may be feeling. Once you have expressed all the anger, move on to Level 2, etc.
Level 2: Express disappointment, sadness, hurt
I’m so sad that…
I’m incredibly disappointed…
It makes me so hurt that…
This is why it hurts…
Level 3: Express fears, insecurities, bad memories
I’m so afraid…
What I’m truly afraid of is…
It scares me when…
It reminds me of…
Level 4: Express understanding, empathy, responsibility
I’m sorry that…
Please forgive me for…
I understand how difficult it must be for you because…
It is completely understandable that…
Level 5: Express intention, wishes, connection
I would like to…
I wish that…
I’m hoping for…
I forgive you for…
I really do love you, I care what you think about me.
I think it would be a good idea to...
I appreciate you because…
I love you because…
Once you have done this process, you have expressed the complete truth about you feel. Healing ourselves and our relationships depends on our willingness to go to every single level and learn to tell the truth. This is also often the sort of thing we do in the office in Emotionally Focused Therapy.
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
“Stop playing! Get to work!”
Has anyone given this message to her children?
“Get busy! Do something productive!”
Sound familiar?
In this article, we will explore the importance of free, child-directed play as an aspect of development, and understand a few things about the different kinds of play…
…Because everything is about play and fantasy when you’re a child, right? Even when you’re an adult too, but that’s another subject…
We can observe play behaviors in our infants soon after birth. The moment the swaddling is off, the newborn’s arms are flailing about trying to figure out how to get fingers in mouth while living in air instead of amniotic fluid.
She knows there is no milk in her fingers. She is playing.
Both solitary and interactive play evolve into abilities we need to be fulfilled in life. If play is advertently or deliberately suppressed, there can be difficulties in interpersonal relationships and achievement later on.
Here are things to know about play:
1. Solitary Play
The first type of play you may notice in your baby is solitary play. Infants will play with anything in their environment as well as their body parts. Fingers and toes are favorite playthings at the beginning of life. Infants may be happy staying alone in their cribs playing with their voices, their bodies or anything in their environment.
To facilitate solitary play, it’s fine to leave the baby in her crib or play pen as long as she’s not distressed. Some babies, when feeling securely attached, will stay in their cribs singing and fiddling around, rolling or whatever for long periods of time. It’s good to let her have quiet time as long as she’s not getting distressed.
Accidental ways of interrupting development of solitary play:
1) media such as television, radio, computer
2) arguing within earshot
3) too much rushing around
4) emotional tension
5) too many toys
Believe it or not, solitary play development in infancy and childhood helps people be able to work independently later on.
In the next article we will explore the next play skill: Onlooker Play
Has anyone given this message to her children?
“Get busy! Do something productive!”
Sound familiar?
In this article, we will explore the importance of free, child-directed play as an aspect of development, and understand a few things about the different kinds of play…
…Because everything is about play and fantasy when you’re a child, right? Even when you’re an adult too, but that’s another subject…
We can observe play behaviors in our infants soon after birth. The moment the swaddling is off, the newborn’s arms are flailing about trying to figure out how to get fingers in mouth while living in air instead of amniotic fluid.
She knows there is no milk in her fingers. She is playing.
Both solitary and interactive play evolve into abilities we need to be fulfilled in life. If play is advertently or deliberately suppressed, there can be difficulties in interpersonal relationships and achievement later on.
Here are things to know about play:
1. Solitary Play
The first type of play you may notice in your baby is solitary play. Infants will play with anything in their environment as well as their body parts. Fingers and toes are favorite playthings at the beginning of life. Infants may be happy staying alone in their cribs playing with their voices, their bodies or anything in their environment.
To facilitate solitary play, it’s fine to leave the baby in her crib or play pen as long as she’s not distressed. Some babies, when feeling securely attached, will stay in their cribs singing and fiddling around, rolling or whatever for long periods of time. It’s good to let her have quiet time as long as she’s not getting distressed.
Accidental ways of interrupting development of solitary play:
1) media such as television, radio, computer
2) arguing within earshot
3) too much rushing around
4) emotional tension
5) too many toys
Believe it or not, solitary play development in infancy and childhood helps people be able to work independently later on.
In the next article we will explore the next play skill: Onlooker Play
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
 If you feel like you're turning into a nag, or someone is driving you crazy with their nagging, let's take a look at what may be going on. In evolutionary psychology, the person who takes orders is a lower status person than the person who gives orders. Is someone in your home taking orders, and deep inside, even outside of awareness, feeling like a lower status person? |
by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT
Now that you have survived Valentine's Day, I hope it went well and you feel rejuvenated in your relationship, with positive memories and good feelings to reflect on.
Even if everything didn't go as perfectly as you might have hoped, I encourage you to reflect on the the things you love and appreciate about this relationship. I wanted to give you a few exercises to help practice this attitude, so that you and your partner can understand each other better.
Even if everything didn't go as perfectly as you might have hoped, I encourage you to reflect on the the things you love and appreciate about this relationship. I wanted to give you a few exercises to help practice this attitude, so that you and your partner can understand each other better.
We all want to feel like our partner "gets" us. That they love and appreciate us. Here's the exercise...
First:
1. Turn off all media, get rid of distractions
2. Completing the exercise over a meal is fine
Topics:
1. One of the things I appreciate most about you is...
2. How can I show you more support and encouragement in the way you like?
3. When do you feel most appreciated?
4. What do you like best about our life together?
5. How can I help you feel more happy?
6. Are you worried or anxious about anything you would like to share?
7. Are you angry about anything right now?
8. I trust you most when __________________.
9. I feel great about us when ______________________.
10. I love you best when...
11. What is your idea of romance?
12. What is your idea of a good relationship?
13. I feel most attracted to you when...
14. Tell me about your fantasies and desires.
As you and your partner are listening to each other talk about these topics, notice it's focused on what we like, what we are wanting to create more of, and setting aside everything that's 'wrong' for the moment.
I hope you'll keep it light and positive. Practice the listening responses I talked about in the other blogs. If it starts to devolve into a fight, or you don't feel like bothering... we can help. It's worth the effort to try to make things better.
First:
1. Turn off all media, get rid of distractions
2. Completing the exercise over a meal is fine
Topics:
1. One of the things I appreciate most about you is...
2. How can I show you more support and encouragement in the way you like?
3. When do you feel most appreciated?
4. What do you like best about our life together?
5. How can I help you feel more happy?
6. Are you worried or anxious about anything you would like to share?
7. Are you angry about anything right now?
8. I trust you most when __________________.
9. I feel great about us when ______________________.
10. I love you best when...
11. What is your idea of romance?
12. What is your idea of a good relationship?
13. I feel most attracted to you when...
14. Tell me about your fantasies and desires.
As you and your partner are listening to each other talk about these topics, notice it's focused on what we like, what we are wanting to create more of, and setting aside everything that's 'wrong' for the moment.
I hope you'll keep it light and positive. Practice the listening responses I talked about in the other blogs. If it starts to devolve into a fight, or you don't feel like bothering... we can help. It's worth the effort to try to make things better.
By Guest Blogger Sharon Coulter, MA, MFTi, CT/RTC
 | The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the verb lis-ten as “to hear something with thoughtful attention.” As I work with clients, I’m reminded how difficult it can be to simply listen. Yet, to quiet the constant stream of thoughts —past, present and future tasks and concerns—constantly swirling in our heads, is what it takes to really listen and be present for another. And in the end, perhaps what we all want and need more than anything, is to be heard. |
