by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

​Parents of young children often call for help from a therapist when a child is having tantrums and refusing to comply with the basics such as eating, sleeping, becoming potty trained, getting dressed. Often there may be issues with performing daily responsibilities, whether going to school or attending on-line school or an alternate educational plan.. Other times the unwanted behavior may be hitting, biting, having problems with peers or adults, school or homework refusal, bedwetting, whining or tantruming frequently.

To allay your fears from the start... much of this is a normal part of a child's learning to comply and become 'socialized'. It is not an easy thing to do... to become socialized, you must learn to suppress your desires and comply; to keep up a demanding schedule and remember to control yourself and everything you are supposed to do, and not do. It is important for parents to relax and keep the whole lifespan of the family in perspective, and strive for balance and harmony where each member of the family is getting their needs met, and encouraged by the family group to thrive.

Realize that the child is becoming socialized to the standards of: 1. your family 2. the electronic world and 3. society. Parents often complain, "How can I get my children to comply and be motivated... I don't want to have problems when they're older?"

I would like to provide a few suggestions to help your child be able to manage the demands of becoming 'socialized', feel good about compliance, and through self-motivation, develop advanced competencies for his or her age without adult pressure.

What the parent is endeavoring to do, is help create a positive feedback loop where the child is 1. confronted with appropriate challenges developmentally and individually, 2. rewarded appropriately for wanted, correct or prosocial behavior, and 3. allowed to experience the 'natural' or negative consequences of his behaviors and attitudes when off-target as long as safe.

The child ideally learns to feel good about compliance and socialization, and becomes internally motivated to excel because he is being consistently and appropriately reinforced by his environment and trusted people. This gives children security, motivating them to exercise talents and develop competencies.

It is vital for the child to be allowed to develop a sense of mastery, competency and autonomy starting at a young age... Caregivers and parents need to exercise extreme patience sometimes to allow space for the child to be inept while gaining and mastering skills and abilities.

​These competencies are what gives a child or teen authentic self-esteem. When a young person is really good at something, everyone knows it. There is no fooling anybody. When I'm 12 years old and more ingenious at something than the adults, that's authentic self esteem. 

Here is where obstacles to developmental processes occur with the covid-19 situation. In normal times, developmental science indicates than once children reach the age when they are socializing more outside of the immediate the family, and are being acted upon by society, they receive reinforcements from their environment. This shapes their behavior and attitude and allows the child to become more self and peer focused rather than focused on parents. This is a learning phase for individuation from parents, adulthood, intimacy and the formation of their own new family that occurs later.

In the current era, much of the reinforcements are derived from social media which may be largely hidden from the parents; we may not know much about the influences shaping the personality of the child. This is a problem because now more than ever, parents have a normalcy bias to the time when they were young, which may been even before cellphones. So it is imperative for adults to understand that the child's world may have little or no resemblance to their own childhood, and making comparisons or assumptions on this basis is going to hurt your credibility and influence as a parent. 

Children are being prohibited from developing close personal relationships with peers and communities. The longer-term consequences of the lockdown is unknown in terms of young people having the desire and ability to form and sustain new families.

In the time of covid. make sure you are allowing your child the opportunity to develop life-sustaining personal competencies such as fixing things, cooking, cleaning, counting the budget, playing music, sewing, woodwork, gardening, whatever works in your family and is a practical life skill. 

If children are sheltered from legitimate demands and consequences long term, they internalize that there are, in reality, no imperatives or consequences. This is a detrimental lesson for the child because he is internalizing a belief structure that is false and will not serve him in the long run. He has learned that there are no (or inappropriate) consequences, and Mom and Dad will fix anything. The kid learns, "Yeah they'll scream at me or take my stuff away but they will end up doing it for me." That might be cute when he keeps forgetting his stuff so he gets to see you for a minute... but not so cute when he's 25 years old and bouncing checks around town. We need to prepare our children for independent life by allowing consistent, fair and natural consequences, without putting so much pressure on them that they break down. 

Co-parents can understand and agree to implement basic behavioral strategies when training, shaping and modeling for the child. It really shouldn't be someone's opinion in matters of disagreement. If you disagree with your co-parent. the 'interventions' you choose should be deliberate and based on science not sentimentality, guilt or manipulation. If we are providing conflicting messages or choose to ignore developmental realities as human beings, this is not going to be optimal for the child. 

Parents should research what is appropriate developmentally, take into account the current obstacles to normal development, and creatively provide alternative opportunities in spite of the lockdowns. We need to understand that developmental processes are being thwarted, (long-term effects unknown) and try to provide alternate avenues for self-mastery, skills development as well as peer-group socialization. 

Cost of Becoming Unstuck: Bravery
There is going to be a cost when you start taking ownership of your feelings and your life. When you decide to learn and tell the truth about how you really feel, what you truly want, or try to change things that aren't working... you are disrupting the status quo, and there is going to be some blowback (initially). The words status quo are from Latin meaning 'existing state'. 

Example: He is happy with the status quo and does not like change.

Notice I said 'initially'. Even if you do it gingerly and compassionately, those around you are likely to resist hearing your call for 'change' especially if they are perfectly fine with the way things are, or not very good at listening. When you get in touch with your true feelings and decide to share... it is important to have knowledge and a strategy rather than just 'letting loose' in a moment of frustration or anger (and then being labeled 'crazy' or 'unstable').

When our control is mixed up with the control others have over their own lives, we may rely more on subtle mechanisms such as negotiation and conciliation to move a particular situation in the way we want it to go. With so much negotiation, compromise and often heavy pressure from others to 'do' or 'be' what they want, we may end up feeling that we are vaguely not in control of our own life, our needs aren't getting met, and our strategies to fix things are not working very well.

In more glaring examples of negating you and your desires, loved ones may even be patronizing, condescending or hostile as they dismiss your feelings or the ideas and dreams you have for yourself and/or the 'group.' Maybe you are tired of being told or insinuated that what you feel, want, like or dislike is wrong and needs to be changed. You know how you feel... you know yourself better than anyone else... no one else knows what goes on inside of your personal world... you are in charge of yourself... hopefully you are acting in good faith to take excellent care of yourself and others, and maximize your talents in your life that you have right now.

Others will try to exert control over you to feel a certain way, agree to certain things or adopt a particular set of behaviors. What if you don't agree and want to resist but are terrified of numerous possible negative consequences such as fighting, rejection, withdrawal of help or privileges? Maybe you are unwilling to risk guilt or negativity in the relationship and this stops you from being true to yourself while being fair to others.

You want to resist when things are wrong for you, but go along anyway and feel bad because of fear of disrupting the status quo where things are somewhat safe and predictable. Maybe you blow up occasionally and don't know what's wrong, or overeat or overwork or engage in other diversions. Maybe you tolerate behavior that hurts you... and keep going because of your emotional or physical dependence, fear of change or lack of belief in yourself.

This is where I say, "You are not stuck" and  to become un-stuck there is going to be a cost. Sorry about that, but there is going to be a cost because in learning to be congruent, to know and tell the truth for yourself, you are disrupting the status quo and this will be discomfiting to others at first. 

Be Willing to Take a Risk 

Being stuck is often a result of feeling unsure about the validity of your life and feelings, and fear of the unknown or losing something. Also being stuck is when you feel like you have to 'act' a certain way to be accepted, or for someone to love you.

Being Congruent and the Core Message

When learning to be more congruent, prepare yourself with a core message that you want to deliver about a particular issue, and trust that you can be honest with yourself and others and deliver your core messages in a congruent way. "Congruent" is when what you see on the outside of a person is the same as what is inside the person. We'll give an example in a minute.

When preparing your core message, remember you are not blaming or criticizing anyone.

Delivering these messages on purpose in a calm and confident manner over time will eventually get you heard and shift a feedback loop that you don't like, that may have been in place for a long time.

Initially though, be prepared for pushback and don't let it fluster you. Listen and continue to calmly state your core message (that you have worked out ahead of time). Don't bite any bait or provocation or off-topic deviation. Since this is different from how you usually react, people are going to be off- guard or even shocked! There may be a tremendous amount of resistance and provocation until you can get a new feedback loop established.

For example, Dad comes home from work in a grouchy mood. Mom notices the dark cloud coming through the door and says:  

Hi Honey, is everything okay you seem upset. Can I get you something?
​Dad replies gruffly, Nothing, I'm fine! and stomps upstairs to his office.

​First of all Dad lied. There Was something wrong, and on top of lying, he threw Mom the Rejection Card when she tried to help. Ouch.

Example of a Congruent Core Message
In his defense, Dad would probably say, Well, I didn't want to bother them so I denied anything was wrong. I would suggest a more congruent core message would be:

Yes I had a rough day, I need to go upstairs for a few minutes to disconnect from work. I'll come down for dinner in a few minutes. (Thank you for making dinner it smells good.)

In relationships when you decide to tell the truth, be sure to do things on purpose, and above all be kind and talk about yourself not about the other person's failures. Be firm and kind with an attitude of appreciation and service to others and confidence in yourself.

Why don't we tell the truth?

• Being unsure that what we are feeling is real.
• Worried that the feeling isn't valid or reasonable.
• Afraid to bother others with our problems.
• Fear of rejection and/or abandonment.
• Fear of seeming needy or weak.
• To avoid accusations of being pushy or controlling.

Use More Self-Control, Finesse

Among Mirriam Webster's various definitions of ways of using 'finesse,' in this case we are working with finesse as: 

skillful handling of a situation :  adroit maneuvering 
He handled the problem with finesse.

Synonyms of Finesse
skillfulness, expertise, subtlety, flair, panache, elan, polish, mastery

How to Become "Unstuck"

Handle situations with finesse and be willing to accept that you may suffer negative consequences as a result of knowing and telling the truth. Using the above strategies over time with an attitude of appreciation, kindness and firmness, you will feel much freer and others will learn to respect you and your point of view. It is not necessarily easy to change unhealthy relationship dynamics, but it is worth the effort.

1. Practice 'Listening Does Not Equal Agreement or Obedience'
Many people often hate listening because it makes them feel defensive or pressured or they think it obligates them to obey, condone or agree. To start with, use the phrases below to clarify that listening does not equal obedience. That way it will be easier for you to listen and allow the person to speak. Accept your loved one's attempts at communicating with you, however imperfect.

Adopt an attitude that says, I honor and love you as a person even though I may not agree with what you are saying right now. 

To implement, say something like:

• I want to hear what you have to say. That doesn't mean I agree with everything you are saying, but I want to listen and I care about you. Please tell me in a way that is constructive and caring so I'm able to hear you.

​
Wow! Take a moment to feel how you would feel if your lover said this to you... You could hardly get an adrenaline hit... ready to escalate a fight after that, correct?

With this one simple statement you are obstructing the feedback loop that may have been in operation for some time in your relationship making you miserable. Other benefits of this intervention or strategy are protecting yourself by establishing appropriate boundaries, and making the other person feel so happy that they are being listened to. The other person has a sense that you are respecting them and their point of view, simply by listening. This causes a calming effect and reduction of biological processes that are unconsciously getting you both ready to fight-or-flight.

2. Give Attention
Show you care by giving your attention and unconditional positive regard. Your attention is the first and most important strategy of communication. Make sure to keep this basic idea in mind. 

To implement: 

• Stop what you are doing and move your body so that your eyes and your posture are facing that person and give your undivided attention with a non-judgmental attitude. (Silence All electronic devices or other interference.) Show you care by giving your loved one a few minutes of your undivided attention.​​​

3. Monitor Non-Verbal Communication
If you're yawning, looking away, scowling or crossing your arms across your chest even though your phone is turned off, you're still giving the message that you're not that interested, or even hostile to what's being said. 

To implement: 

• Try to sit or stand still in a relaxed manner, avoid distracting mannerisms, and focus on the other person's verbal and non-verbal communication without getting defensive or worrying about how you should respond or refute. Just observe and listen and try to understand the points they are making from their point of view. You don't have to agree or disagree. That is their point of view that they are sharing with you. Give the person you say you love the encouragement of relaxing your body and hearing them out. Otherwise why does that person need to be in a relationship with you?
• Maintain eye contact as appropriate; practice acceptance of differing ideas without feeling too much pressure to control anyone but yourself.
• Relax... everything is okay, nothing is all that threatening! You can hear what the person is saying... Let them get it off their chest. The important thing is not to get into a posture of defensiveness which would be the automatic physiological response if someone feels attacked. Be aware of this natural response, and more importantly that you have control over your responses. You have the ability to rule over your impules using your higher wisdom. Consciously choose the response you want to make in any particular moment, based on your overall goals.

4. Repeat and Paraphrase, Check the Accuracy of Your Perceptions
The object is:

• to make sure you understand what is being said, many projections may be happening and you may have it completely wrong
• to help the other person know that you hear and understand what they are saying
• at this stage you are not making your points, teaching or refuting. You are making sure you simply understand the other person's statements. This does not denote agreement or compliance.

Repeating and Paraphrasing also makes sure you don't overreact or misunderstand key points of what is being communicated. 

Try phrases like:

• So you're saying... (fill in the blank), is that right?
  • So you're saying you want to take separate vacations this year... is that right?
  • So you're saying you hate my mother's interference with the kids... is that what you mean?
• You're saying you're sick of me doing (fill in the blank), is that what you're saying?
  • ​That's right.​
  • No, that's not what I'm saying at all!
    • Ok, please clarify then...
• "You're saying you're upset about (fill in the blank), correct?

5. Manage Your Defensiveness
...and keep your attention focused on the other person's process until he or she is completely done talking, and he or she has relaxed a bit.

Try responses such as: 

• A simple "Okay" works wonders.
• That doesn't feel too good, but I want to hear what you want to tell me.
• Please tell me in a way that is constructive and caring.
• Continue please.

6. Encourage the Other Person to Talk
Even if you're annoyed about what the other person is saying, you can at least extend the courtesy of letting them tell you what is important right now by encouraging them to vent. Just this much will help everyone feel less stressed. You can relax into your power, you are you, you don't have to particularly change anything, but you are giving respect. This is much better than basically ignoring what the other person is saying while simultaneously thinking up ways to protect yourself or make the kill shot. You can relax and listen, you don't really have to make your points right now. Learn to listen and understand without feeling pressured to obey. Once you have fully listened the other person will be completely relieved and ready to listen to you... and will probably do anything you say.

Use:

• Okay. 
• Go ahead...
• I'm listening.
• Continue...
• Can you tell me more about that...
• So when that happened you got really (angry)... 
• So when my mom yelled at Susie over the dishes in the sink you got mad.
• So when he no-showed the party you got really embarrassed.
• Don't 'hit' me, please talk about yourself and how you feel.

7. Give Yourself an Out
If things are getting heated, and you have decided to change out of negative communication patterns, try:

• Thanks for sharing that with me, I'll think about what you said. 

Know that it's okay to excuse yourself and re-group. This does not mean throw the Abandonment Card by storming out of the house and slamming the door in someone's face just to let them know that you don't like that they shared something negative with you. 

It's a good idea to give your relationship a tune-up by investing in a few sessions of therapy. Every relationship can be made better and no relationship is going to be perfect.

by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT

Individuals in this age range are usually helping the younger generation to achieve educational, business and relationship goals, and to lead productive and happy lives. This is what Erikson meant by 'generativity'. The opposite is 'stagnation,' where apparently that means sitting around watching tv and not contributing much to others, or expecting young people to entertain and provide for you. Ouch. 

When the children are grown up, there may be a moment to relax. After the harrowing process of getting kids through adolescence, parents may be ready for a break from responsibilities. According to Erikson's model however, the middle and older adult needs to be continually engaged in the support and guidance of younger lives. This means support, not demanding obiesance or submission or face negative consequences or punishments. More than ever, younger generations today need a wise and level-headed mentor, friend, parent, co-worker, boss, neighbor.

Where Problems Occur in the 7th Stage of Development

Societal Pressures

Many adults in recent years have been experiencing difficulties with employment and money situations. They may have worked hard all their lives yet are still scrambling to keep everything afloat. This doesn't make it too easy to help others when you are struggling yourself. 

High incidence of divorce also contributes to financial and social instability. By this age a person may have two or three ex-families or spouses. We may think that divorce mostly  affects children, but younger adults with their own families are feeling a heavy obligation to take care of older parents who may be single and alone. It comes to mind now around holiday time especially, as divided loyalties have to be managed like never before. Therapy can be very helpful to deal with these type of situations. 
​
The ideal according to Erikson is for the middle and older adult to be in a position to effectively help and contribute to the lives of younger generations in order to enjoy a life well-lived into old age.
​

by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT

What can go wrong in the Intimacy versus Isolation stage of development?

If a young adult desires a close relationship and can't find or keep a satisfying relationship, he or she may begin to feel depressed and isolated. It's not easy when all your friends are coupling up and having children if you want to do the same but it doesn't seem to happen for you.  The social and family pressure to do what everyone else is doing can be enormous and terrible. 

The basis of this angst at not partnering up is biological programming which drives our desires and behavior to keep the species homo sapien sapien proliferating on the earth. It is a biological process that is happening to us without our specific knowledge as we grow up and reach sexual maturity; the intimacy or isolation process will be continuing for the rest of the lifespan. A person basically leaves their family of origin, and partners up with someone outside their close biological family for their new primary family relationship. The biological urge is often to create a home and have children and raise them better than we were raised. We may not realize that we are responding to biological urges when we start a family. 

Alternate situations may occur when people choose education, career or other pursuits over commitment at an early-ish age for example. This is not a problem because a conscious choice is being made to continue the education and delay partnering up for awhile. The important point is that you feel in control of this choice.

Remember, by this time (young adulthood) you are building on the previous developmental tasks and stages, and have some degree of mastery over  Trust, Autonomy, Initiative, Industry and Identity. Most (all?) of us have gotten derailed at some point and are not fully whole in all of these areas... maybe we're trying to create intimacy on a shaky foundation. The good news is there is always time to work on these tasks and stages individually or within the context of relationships. The reward is feeling good with a sense of completion, self-mastery and worthiness.

by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT

We want the elementary school child to develop a sense of enjoying productivity and competency. We want them to feel smart and capable - that they know something and can do something (maybe even better than adults) - and get recognized for that.

Wow! Now I feel smart and capable and I am intrinsically motivated to do even better!

We also want school age children to learn to help others. We want the child to become intrinsically motivated not only to gain expertise in particular areas (Industry), but maybe more importantly to learn to receive the personal reward and maturity gained by a reasonable amount of self-sacrifice and service to others. Otherwise parents may have a bratty and entitled young person on their hands. 

The child is able to help others by contributing information and knowledge gained from his
Industry, The child is able to understand that parents and teachers are also vulnerable and may benefit from assistance that the child is uniquely able to provide. This of course makes the child feel industrious, comptent and needed which creates the postive feedback loop we are hoping to foster in the mastery of these developmental tasks.

We should praise, but not overly so that it seems too easy or fake, and provide children of the millenium with a milieu in which to learn balance, responsibility and empathy so they are prepared to deal with the tumult of adolescence that is looming. 

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

 Children in early childhood are learning to assume responsibility for their bodies as in getting potty trained and becoming confident at feeding and dressing themselves as well as maintaining personal hygiene like washing hands and brushing teeth. Two to five-years-olds are learning to understand and conform to a school schedule, make friends, control their bodily functions, eat and sleep according to adult schedules, self-soothe and self-regulate emotionally. This is a big job for such a tiny person.

The task for the child at this age according to Erikson's model is developing a sense of Initiative. The child is learning to take the initiative to do things for himself and even others. They love to be the "little helper."  They also need to feel safe taking a risk to take the initiative because they're really not very competent. It's much easier for parents to do things for the little guy. But for healthy development, the child must be learning to feel competent doing things himself and good about helping others . He realizes that he has to work pretty hard and endure many frustrations to do things with his little fingers, for example to put on his own clothes or hold scissors, put the right amount of glue, color inside the lines; or to develop his verbal capacity.

In his previous stages of development the child was working on trusting his caregivers (trust vs. mistrust); and realizing that he is separate from them (autonomy vs. shame and doubt), now he is already beginning to take the initiative to create his own life. 
​
It is important to let the kid struggle for his accomplishments as long as it's safe. He will gain a strong sense of wanting to take initiative when he is rewarded with patience, attention and praise when he is showing you his initiative. If a parent is critical or anxious, or too quick to jump in to fix, refute or teach, there can be a real problem with kids learning to take initiative and feeling competent later. (Imagine the fifteen-year-old, or forty-five-year-old who's not motivated to do their responsibilities. The child may have learned to feel incompetent and guilty instead of confident about taking the initiative to tackle life's demand for consistent and persistent action.)

​It is important to understand that the child needs to feel safe taking initiative. He or she is building on the relational skills of Trust and Autonomy which occur in the first and second stages of Erikson's psycho-social development model.

 If Someone's Lack of Initiative is Bugging You

It can be very challenging to deal with teens and adults who have not learned to feel good about taking proper initiative. If someone in your life is not taking the initiative for their own responsibilites, the first thing you can do is stop doing things for them that they could/should be doing for themselves, or that you don't feel good about doing. Stop coaching and nagging. Start to allow that person to experience the natural consequences of their behaviors no matter how old they are. Resist the temptation to make excuses or cover for that person who needs to learn to feel good about taking the initiative for their own responsibilities as well as helping others. 

by Cynthia M. Braden, LMFT

In this article we are continuing our review of the developmental tasks and stages of Erik Erikson, famous early 20th century psychologist, as well as how the tasks and stages may apply to your or your child's therapy. 

​The second task according to Erikson's model is that the baby is already beginning to develop a certain amount of Autonomy in the second and third years of life. The toddler learns how to self-entertain and that everything is a toy to be explored and manipulated. 

What Can Go Wrong in the Developmental Phase of Autonomy Versus Shame and Doubt?

Sometimes parents can be overwhelmed with their responsibilities and become anxious. This may naturally result in the child being restricted from exploring. The child at this stage is learning that he or she can stay entertained for sustained periods of time playing with physics and gravity, making noises, putting things in the mouth. When the baby will put absolutely anything in the mouth, caretakers must stay vigilant. There is a fine line between letting the baby explore and learn how to entertain himself, and keeping him safe; as he doesn't have a sense of self-preservation and may do incredibly dangerous things.

Noise - if a parent is overly worried about the baby making too much noise, for example, banging pots and pans, it may restrict the baby's ability to feel confident taking risks.

Excessive Cleanliness - if a parent is excessively concerned with germ-free living, the baby may be restricted from playing on the floor for example, or not allowed to get messy or play with pets. Obviously we need proper hygiene, but babies need to be allowed to explore and get messy in order to start developing a sense of being able to self-entertain and communicate needs and wants.

Electronics - exposure to electronic media inhibits the infant's ability to manipulate and understand three-dimensional objects. Better to give the baby some blocks or pots and pans to play with instead of your iPhone. ​

Too Much Structure - If the baby is made to stay put, stay clean, and stay scheduled too much over time, he may develop an overly dependent personality style.  He may feel continuously thwarted. He may learn that his desires don't matter, better not to have any desires, and it's not worth it to try for what you want. 'Others'  have to entertain and provide.

Illness - if the baby happens to be a preemie, or have a serious or chronic illness, he may be delayed in his development of Autonomy.

These factors among many others may lead to a host of behavioral issues and a sense of shame and doubt rather than autonomy.  He may be safe, but not self-sufficient, so we need to understand that even though he is a baby and doesn't seem to be doing much, he is really learning about communication and how to entertain himself. And this equals developing autonomy versus shame and doubt.

How this Relates to Therapy
If we are dealing with a child or adult who has developed an overly dependent personality style that is interfering in social, relationship, work or school functioning, we may need to help the person with his Autonomy. The person has unwittingly learned to feel ashamed and doubtful rather than confidently autonomous. We can work to improve this situation in individual, couples or family therapy. 

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

It's not something we probably notice on a daily basis, but developmental changes occur throughout the human lifespan. It is helpful to briefly understand tasks and stages that are associated with healthy psychological and social development.

In this blog I'm going to present the Eriksonian (1902-94) model focusing on the first stage, Trust versus Mistrust which occurs in the first year of life. I often consider Erikson when young children and parents are having difficulties communicating, cooperating, having peace or making progress. By considering the developmental tasks and stages, we can focus in therapy on reinforcing those as a way to effectively remedy some of the behaviors or moods that may be problematic or 'stuckness' that may have occurred.

 Where Do Things Go Wrong With Infant Psycho-Social Development?

​For the infant to become a trusting and happy person, it would be great if he could learn to feel safe from birth. We know that doesn't always happen. From the infant's perspective he requires a sense of physical comfort and minimal amount of fear and apprehension to be able to develop a strong trusting attachment and accomplish the first development task from Erikson's model, Trust versus Mistrust.

For example, if the infant is consistently left with a wet diaper too long, diaper rash appears and he begins to suffer. To be fair, even the most conscientious parents experience diaper rash and no parent is perfect! However, to develop a sense of trust over time requires the baby to experience a consistent feeling of physical comfort and minimal amount of fear and apprehension.

To accomplish this first developmental stage and be able to solidly trust his attachment figures, the infant needs to learn... When I want or need something, I can expect to get my needs met in a loving, efficient and consistent way. I have the power to get my needs met. My attachment figures love me and are responsive and kind. I can depend on them to help me when I'm in distress or don't know what I need because I am totally helpless after all... so this is a survival matter.

If the parents are preoccupied by various normal every day responsibilities and distractions such as overwork, conflictual relationships, electronics, media and other pursuits, they may be worn out and not emotionally and/or physically available when the infant is learning to flex his trust muscles for the first time.

If the baby is left alone too often when he is upset, he may learn that he does not have the power to get his needs met, and that his attachment figures are not concerned with his needs either, therefore he and his needs are unimportant... Ouch! We have to do better in this stage as a foundation for all other tasks and stages of Erikson's model across the lifespan. If it's too late, don't worry there are always things you can do.

Major attachment figures who are slow to respond, off target, or dealing with their own challenging lives may lead to the infant feeling like the adults can't be trusted. Mistrust instead of trust is inadvertently developed. A person could get stuck here and never be able to trust anyone in life. What the infant learns is No, I don't have the power to get my needs met... I probably don't deserve to get my needs met... I'm no good.

Feeling like he can't trust his caretakers completely may lead the infant to exhibit distress in a variety of ways and/or to eventually withdraw into learned helplessness. This is when individuals learn from their life experiences that they do not have a reasonable amount of control over their environment and are required to submit to situations they may not feel good about.

If parents are arguing within earshot of the infant, the baby experiences an adrenaline rush. He may start screaming for help, because now he is terrified and unable to resolve the adrenaline rush easily by himself. If the attachment figures allow arguing, excessive media and/or loud noise; slow, off target or non-responsiveness to occur as the modus operandi of the family, the infant starts to learn When I cry, I don't know who is going to help me and they don't know how I like things... and I feel afraid. I experience rushes of adrenaline in my tiny body. (This can become an addiction, by the way,  as when people can be addicted to drama and bad relationships.)

Therapy interventions can be worked on to help resolve the developmental task of Trust versus Mistrust no matter now old the individual may be now. We may also see infants grow up to be self-sufficient and in-control adults in these types of situations.  What sometimes happens is individuals may re-expereince strong unresolved distrustful emotions when a marriage or couple relationship is desired later in life as that is the most intimate relationship since infancy. In the next post we will consider Erikson's second stage of development and how it may apply to your life and therapy.

by Carol L. Meylan, MBA, LCSW and Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

A great deal of research has been conducted about what helps children develop a healthy self-esteem and not veer off into the extremes of depressive or sociopathic tendencies. You may have noticed that trends in advice seem to be well... trendy! You may feel like you can never fully depend on the advice you may be hearing  on the topic of helping children develop appropriate self-esteem. We may run ourselves ragged getting material things, lessons, schools and socializing trying to make sure our child feels 'good enough' and finds and excels in his/her niche early and easily. But what really is 'authentic' self-esteem in children, and how can adults help?

Now we are saying 'authentic' self-esteem. This may be somewhat different from the conception of 'healthy' self-esteem depending on your perspective or interpretation of a child's behavior, attitude or affect (mood).

For example, our educational system appears to make an effort to 'equalize' children so everyone can feel special. Gone are the days of the 'smart kid' and the 'dumb kid' classes. In children's sports, the same  is true. Everyone gets a trophy whether they were any good or not, whether they even got off the bench, or whether the team made a single score all season.

Children realize that the world is competitive, yet everyone is getting a trophy or a particular reward. Even the worst player on the team gets the same reward as everyone else, so maybe it doesn't mean much. If it doesn't mean much, then do I have my self-esteem stimulated by receiving it? 

While this seems like a good idea, let's be honest, kids are imitating adults. They know exactly what is going on.  There is only one winner in sports and all types of competition. One person gets the job, the award, the promotion. In real life, everyone is not going to get a particular reward, but we as adults seem to persist in this fashion, perhaps so children will have a kinder, gentler place to grow up. Adults may believe in vain that this method will help children develop 'healthy' self-esteem.

We submit to you that children are wise and know exactly what is going on. They are not going to be able to utilize these false mechanisms so that they can magically develop authentic self-esteem. The self will not be fooled.

Adults pursue this method of helping children develop self-esteem in good faith... so the super excellers don't get all the attention and praise, and everyone has an equal shot at feeling good about themselves. But the children know it's not real. Children understand a natural or biological pecking order which is based on prowess, strength, beauty, intelligence, verbal skills, talent, socio-economic factors and most importantly Actual Accomplishments.

While some of the factors just mentioned are largely outside the control of the individual (some things you're just born with), the concept of Actual Accomplishments is completely within in the control of the individual and leads to the development of Authentic Self-Esteem and healthy personality structure.
 
Children should not learn that you don't need to exert hard and continuous effort to get rewarded by life - this 3D reality that we currently live in - that we can get what we want by complaining, demanding, expecting, lazing around, having tantrums or being too dependent for our stage in the lifespan. We worry that children are learning that it's not worth it to try too hard.  And that other people are responsible for most things, even my own behavior. Lavish rewards are ubiquitous and continuous. This practice leads to the child's loss of self-efficacy (being able to do things by myself) and trust in you (because children know 'the jig is up') - paradoxically the opposite of what is intended.

Taking it a step further, we certainly don't want children as they become teenagers to become entitled and demanding whether or not they have actually contributed to anything, while parents are continuing to run themselves ragged. Don't you hate when that happens... when children become entitled and unappreciative? And turn into tyrants? As a parent, this can really hurt Our self-esteem!

So back to the original question, How Does a Parent Help a Child Develop Authentic Self-Esteem?

The following parenting attributes have been associated with a child’s high self-esteem:

1.     Mutual expression of verbal and physical affection. Don't be afraid to hug and kiss and say "I love you, I'm proud of you. You are a very special person."  The child receives love and validation just because s/he exists, not dependent on any performance or attribute. Demonstrate your affection by giving attention and listening without interrupting, teaching or judging. Choose to demonstrate authentic love to a child by giving your attention. You can say "I love you" all day, but if you are interrupting, criticizing, blaming, teaching, disciplining... the child learns to feel bad about her/himself - ashamed and guilty - the opposite of self-esteem. (We're all familiar with those feelings, correct?)

2.     Parent is concerned about the child's problems. Be patient and keep a balance with letting the child struggle to accomplish things for himself. When a child has a problem, task or goal and feels confident and motivated to handle it by her/himself, or when he feels respected by parent, teacher or peer to handle things, this is authentic self-esteem. And her/his parent is standing by giving attention as an observer to provide support if needed, but not interfering, teaching, guiding, or taking control. The parent is wise enough to be excruciatingly patient and let the child struggle to accomplish things for her/himself. In this way the child learns to reach for higher and higher achievements and goals, perpetuating a feedback loop in which the environment itself rewards the child on a reliable basis. This is Authentic Self Esteem.

3.     Harmony in the home. Adults must learn and model self-control and communication skills in order to create a peaceful and safe environment free of fighting, intrusive behaviors, media that is not age appropriate, and/or substance abuse. Being exposed to trauma in the home is very detrimental to  self-efficacy and self-esteem as the child learns to feel afraid, helpless and out of control.

4.     Participation in joint family activities. Parents and children participate regularly together with or without other families. Make sure these activities are focused on something besides electronics and have a positive focus. 

5.     Parent available to give competent, organized help when needed. (First, this means that the parent knows how to be competent and organized! lol) Parents can sometimes be too frazzled or preoccupied to help much. This is not a good thing. Try to be calm and organized, and remember to avoid doing things that the child is learning to do her/himself because you're in a hurry.

6.     Clear and fair rules are established. Rules should be discussed in a family meeting and posted on the fridge.  Everyone should be allowed to contribute ideas to the rule-making, although parents make the final decision as to what goes on the rules list. A new generation of children may have valuable input as to the family they would like to live in.

7.     Everyone follows the rules. For example... Parents are not allowed to call each other names either!

8.     Let children have freedom within limits that have been clearly explained. Make sure expectations are clearly understood and thank children when they have done a good job. Don't look for things to criticize. Also make sure that fair, reasonable and age appropriate consequences are understood and implemented consistently without excessive emotionality. (Talk to a therapist if you need a discipline plan, or to understand and implement age-appropriate consequences.) A child feels good about her/himself when he understands parameters that are consistently present.

For children, being able to do things by themselves and feeling skilled and competent is an important developmental process leading to authentic self-esteem. Children should be encouraged to identify and develop talents and interests so they can authentically feel good, and start to fulfill their purpose early. 

by Carol L. Meylan, MBA, LCSW

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

By Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

 It makes you wonder what is real. Is this relationship a real thing or something created by me being nice?

Your Well-Being
How you feel about your life, relationships and emotions, are of utmost importance to the life that you are creating around you. So it is important to learn to acknowledge and tell the truth about your emotions, and to stay focused on what is wanted.

That means that if something is a bucket of shit, you call it a bucket of shit! You don't call it a vase of roses. Many people can get that mixed up even though they are two completely different things.

We notice that instead of telling the truth,  many people are too used to being polite and careful to please everyone, everyone all the time. Everyone, everyone except yourself!

When you become afraid of saying "No, I'm sorry I'm not going to be able to do that"  or sharing how you truly feel about something important because someone may not like it,  you are suffering from NICE-ITIS. This is a 'disease' in which a person believes he or she has to be Nice all the time and please everyone in order to avoid feeling guilty and be an acceptable or good person. As soon as you lose your ability to feel your emotions and boundaries, let alone set them with others... you're in trouble.

Wouldn't it be better to say "No... that is not really a vase of roses... but there must be a purpose to everything in life."

The other choice would be to basically lie... and Stuff your true feelings. I suggest that a more self-affirming attitude would be,  "It smells like shit.... so it can probably be turned into fertilizer." You didn't realize that being overly nice could be equivalent to being a liar and cover-up artist?!

Making everyone happy can give a person an illusion of control which can be comforting on some level (especially if you have experienced trauma in your past) If I let people get upset, something really bad might happen...

If others are happy with you, you can feel good about yourself. You may be exhausted and totally burned out  but you can tell yourself, "Everything is under control, I made sure everyone has what they need, everyone is okay". Notice that your ability to  feel good in this case is dependent on whether others are pleased with your efforts or not. 

Depending on another person to have a particular emotional or behavioral response can be a risky business because humans tend to be unpredictable and need to be self-focused for survival. This is a biological mandate, so we're not going to do any good trying to tell people not to be so selfish.   It can take a tremendous amount of effort and personal sacrifice to constantly 'Please' someone else. So, if we can't actually depend on the result we are hoping for (the person being pleased)... and we are probably feeling exhausted and unappreciated by trying to be nice all the time... what is the point?

A more realistic expectation is that partners, parents, lovers friends and children can be depended upon for one thing... and that is to disappoint. And to disappoint often! So how we learn to acknowledge and respond to our true feelings, and to tell the constructive truth without attacking, is to create a closer bond instead of emotional distance even hatred.

NICE-ITIS goes along with STUFF-IT 
'Nice' is not particularly authentic, as you don't let others really get to know you. You hide and Stuff your true feelings, wants, needs and desires. You don't let anyone see the 'Not Nice' aspects, except for the times when you have "Stuffed It" long enough and you "Blow" which may happen from time to time and make people say that you are explosive or crazy. No, you are not crazy, but you are worn out from trying to please people all the time and then feeling guilty and horrible when no matter how hard you try... they cannot be depended upon to be pleased. 

Being overly nice or perfect can tend to make long-term relationships problematic for a few reasons. For one thing, others may avoid you or take advantage of your good nature, because they feel inferior and guilty compared to your virtuous self-sacrifice. In the long run, it tends to be difficult to stay with a person who is more Nice than Authentic.  It can become impossible to stay with someone so perfect... when your partner is  only too aware of his or her own  imperfections... anger, fear, self-centeredness or other aspects or vices. It isn't necessarily that easy to share an honest emotional bond with an exceptionally nice or perfect person also due to fear of being judged by someone superior.

Challenge Questions

• Do you give yourself the freedom to say how you really feel (without insulting)?
• Can you give yourself permission to tell the truth even when it's unpleasant (without attacking)?
• Are you using subversive or passive-aggressive behavior to get what you want?

If you're suffering from NICE-ITIS and STUFF-IT, we can help you learn to get rid of guilt and feel good about allowing your true self to come out!

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

 A dogmatic person in a relationship may be seen as  being inflexible and stubborn. (Maybe like a dog with a bone, haha! "I'm not letting it go no matter what.")

Maybe it's you or your partner who tends to be more strong-willed about certain things in the relationship.  But, there is an important distinction to make between just being obstinate overall with no particular dogma underneath, and having faith  in a core ideology that compels the dogmatic person to encourage, insist or scheme so that family and friends follow a particular belief and/or behavior system.

Meanwhile friends, family, co-workers may feel pressured and don't like the Dogma at all and find it very difficult to get along with and/or love this person. 

Relationship problems can occur when a dogmatic person feels that his 'dogma' or set of rules has authoritative backing such as a religious, moral, political. health, social, human and animal rights, environmental or other 'higher-purpose' ideology. His belief may be:

It is Essential for others to also adhere to the Dogma! ("...because it has a higher purpose, not because I say so!")

Extreme dogmatism is obvious in our global society as dogmatic factions have  continued to inflict incredible harm on each other on a daily basis since the beginning of human civilization. 

We as individuals are powerful enough to work with this problem on the micro level of our own families. The  key to consider is whether or not someone believes they have the right to change the beliefs and/or behaviors of another person because of what may be thought of as a higher purpose.
​
​And, if we are on the receiving end of attempted dogmatic indoctrination, how do we be more brave, honest and congruent?

People often demand that their family, friends and loved ones to adhere to the same religion or ideology that they do.  When a friend or family member doesn't believe in the same god or religious doctrine, there can be an incredible number of bad feelings and negative consequences...

...from scolding and disapproval to punishing, withdrawal of attention and affection, up to hostile criticism, withdrawal of financial support, loss of housing, shaming and passive aggressive manipulations.The dogmatic person has learned that these are useful for producing Guilt or Shame in another person, thereby inducing compliance in order to relieve negative emotions.

As we know, if subtler techniques fail, certain dogmatic individuals and groups may up the ante to attempt to change someone's belief and behavior more aggressively... up to incarceration, torture, murder and suicide can be used if you don't believe in the same god or adhere to a particular set of practices.

In relationships, extreme dogmatism can lead to anxiety, depression and low self-esteem.  How do we deal with this dynamic?

To improve relationships and feelings of happiness and satisfaction  within families, individuals would benefit from improving respect and acceptance of the beliefs  and opinions of others.  Accept the opinions of others as their opinions. Notice I didn't say agree, comply or obey.

​Yes you disagree! And No, this person may not accept that! This person may dismiss or debunk your ideas and you may feel rejected and angry.

What to Do When You Disagree About Dogma

First and most important, Make sure you really understand what the other person is saying by using active-reflective listening and emotionally focused communication.

• Control your defensiveness (in other words don't react, just be present) and go into active-reflective listening.
• Let the other person 'desahogarse' first. It's a Spanish word that means to thoroughly vent or blow off steam. Let the person blow off steam as long as they aren't attacking you, as long as it takes for him/her to stop talking and his/her body to relax. You will have a much easier time making your points after the person has stopped talking and his/her body has relaxed. You are also changing a negative fighting dynamic by purposefully altering Your responses.

•  To help him/her thoroughly desahogarse, use,
  •  "So you're saying ... (fill in the blank)... Is that what you're saying?"
    • ​So you're saying this is very important to you because >>>>>  Is that what you're saying?
    • You're saying you really want >>>>> is that what you're saying?
    • You're saying you really don't like >>>>>>> is that what you're saying?
    • Tell me more about those reasons again...

Second, when you are satisfied that the person has thoroughly performed the ritual of desahogarse so to speak, stay true to yourself...

• Thank the person: for spending time and energy sharing their opinions with you.
• Tell a truth: "I don't know that I agree with everything."
• Buy time: "We can talk more later." "I need time to think about it."
• Reflect emotion: "I see you feel very strongly about this."
• Say what you need: "I'm not going to be able to do that." or "I would rather talk about something else when we're together"
• Say how you feel: "I am uncomfortable with this subject, let's focus on doing something else" (one of our projects)

Third, if you feel that the situation is escalating and the dogmatic person is not letting you have autonomous control of your own mind, and you have decided to change the fighting dynamic, and the person is persisting or has been drinking right now,  it's fine to excuse yourself from the conversation without pushing the abandonment button. "I'm sorry I have to go now, I'll think about what you said. We can talk more later."

You can create a more harmonious relationship with a dogmatic person by working with your own responses to create a more honest and respectful feedback loop.  It depends on what you want your relationship to be: characterized by acceptance, patience, tolerance and love, or control, shame, blame, conflict and avoidance? You set the example, you be the leader if you are trying to have a pleasant and loving relationship with a dogmatic person!

For some people, the ideology is too important to be flexible. For example if a son or daughter or parent comes out as LGBT, family members and friend may have historically reacted very negatively. There are ways to stay true to your own personal belief system and avoid conflicts if this type of situation is happening in your family.

If you want to have a happy family, It is important to practice acceptance and allowance of the free will of others even when you disagree with someone's choices.  (If we are talking about young children, of course you are the parent making the decisions right now.)

I'm mentioning this because people can be so stressed out having to deal with family members over what we are having or not having for dinner. Many people have adopted unusual and/or restrictive dietary habits. If you can't agree on the food, focus on creating a pleasant and supportive experience of sharing meals together whatever you are eating.  Keywords on this are: cooperation, communication, appreciation, acceptance, patience and flexibility. If you want to have a good time and build happy memories with your family, be flexible about Dogma around mealtime if others disagree.

You can still adhere to your beliefs and not compromise yourself while extending courtesy, good manners and helping others feel positive about themselves and their relationships. Appreciate those people that you have with you right now to help you enjoy your life. Don't be afraid to set a boundary with courtesy and respect. It is your job to honor yourself and tell the truth, and conduct yourself with dignity. 

By Carol L. Meylan, LCSW, MBA and Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

 But let's be honest... most people feel the need to express dissatisfaction or irritation
​to their partner at times.

How can we do that... staying true to ourselves but not damaging the relationship in the process?

... And even daring to hope about coming to a clear resolution where everyone feels heard, eventually bringing us closer when there is a conflict?

​Here are some comments that are particularly hurtful and should be avoided. These comments, especially when accompanied by an attitude of contempt are poison to a relationship.

You are literally injecting poison into your relationship if you are using this type of communication. It will permanently damage your relationship, so let's think of better ways to communicate dissatisfaction or request a change in something. 

The point is, it is relatively easy to monitor your communication so that you are being honest and also being aware of an ongoing practice of creating the type of relationship you desire on a day-to-day basis.

Beware of These Four Relationship-Damaging Phrases:

1. "Chill”.  Other variations are “relax”, “calm down” and “get a grip”.When you say these words to an angry or upset person, this tends to infuriate him/her and make the situation worse!  Why?  Because hearing “chill out/relax” from one’s partner sounds condescending and dismissive at a time when he/she really needs understanding and support.  

Your partner is much more likely to actually calm down if you say:
“You seem really upset.  Let’s talk about this.  I want to help... or... Tell me what's going on.” 

2.  “You always….” or “You never….”Often when we are angry about something our partner has done more than a few times, we tend to over-generalize and lash out with “You always do this….You always think of yourself….You never think of me first…”.  These global statements sound critical and judgmental and push others away.  “You always” comments also put your partner on the defensive – of course he/she doesn’t "always" text while talking to you, even if it sometimes feels like he does.  

Your partner will hear you much better if you simply state the problem or issue, such as:
“I notice that you are texting right now while I am talking."

3. “This is why….”Statements such as “this is why you haven’t been successful” or “this is why you can’t save money” are harsh and hurtful and can be very damaging to a relationship.  This broad statement makes the speaker seem disdainful and contemptuous of his partner, as if he is smarter and superior.    No one wants to feel put-down, especially by someone who is supposed to love them.  ​

When parents and teens are having stresses conflicts and fundamental disagreements, I often (not always) recommend parent-teen sessions rather than making the teen the identified patient and, 'putting the teen in therapy.' Working with members of a family together can help improve communication and a sense of belonging, not someone being singled out as the problem.  Being heard, valued and connected strengthens the family system for everyone.

What happens in a family therapy session?
Usually the most talkative person starts first. (Haha!) Normally I ask each person about the problem from their point of view. Each person gets a chance to talk without being interrupted or disrespected.  When people come to a session for the first time, some are a little nervous, others are ready to start talking right away. So it can be helpful to let the person who is most comfortable, tell about the problems first. This may often be the parent. But sometimes teens need to be listened to, and they may want to talk first. 

We May Adopt a Three Part Process for Brief Therapy:

1. Knowledge - We have to know and understand what the other person is thinking and feeling; what they want and why. Of course, we have to know what we ourselves honestly want and need. We may have to work through a few layers to gain this knowledge about what is going on from everyone's perspective. We may also have to learn about developmental tasks and stages and life span development of the family.

2. Strategy - Once we know what's going on, we need to develop a strategy for helping each other get what they need and feel good in the process. This usually involves communication and relational skills practice, scripting, appreciation, affirmative focus and possible implementation of behavioral reinforcement techniques.

3. Execution - We have to put a loose plan into action. This need not be an onerous assignment, but  we may have to start exercising a certain amount of self-discipline or re-direction if things have gotten out of control in our relatinohips. We may need to stop calling people names. We may need to learn to come in contact with the truth and learn to tell the truth more often. We will have to put into practice strategies about what we learn.

Returning to the first session again, while one person is talking, the other people in the session are practicing a few things. How to practice active, reflective listening and how not to become defensive and start engaging in the normal attack-counter attack scenario. We are going to have to re-learn certain communication habits in order to improve relationships, and therefore the overall well-being of family members. 

We will also practice other techniques such as reflecting content and feeling. Also how not to  become abusive or disrespectful and what to do if that happens. Parents and teens will learn to express disagreement constructively and negotiate changing roles having to do with the process of the teen's  individuation into adulthood.

We are available after school and on Saturdays. Contact us, we can help!

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

"The world revolves around me, make me feel safe!"




To develop optimally, an infant needs to live in an atmosphere of trust. This means a feeling of physical comfort and a minimal amount of fear about getting needs met. In other words, we don't want the baby to be wondering, "If I cry out for Mom, will she come and be mad or anxious?" "Or not come at all?" 

It is important for the infant to learn that if he cries because he is hungry or wet, or maybe has a tummy ache or fever, or is just lonely and bored, a responsive and sensitive caregiver comes along quickly with a pleasant attitude to help.  This promotes trust. 

If I am a baby, I'm thinking, "Everything is okay here, I'm safe and there's someone to hold me when I feel like it. Hey, and definitely help me out if I'm wet or cold or hot or hungry or overstimulated!" "Oh, and do something to keep me entertained… but not too much, okay?"

Doing the physical things to make a baby feel safe is pretty self-explanatory.  However, if you are in a stressed-out world of your own, with work, other kids maybe, in-laws, money issues, fighting with your spouse, it may be hard to be emotionally present and responsive the way you would like.

Needless to say, if parents are fighting in the next room, this does not lead to a baby developing a sense of trust and solid attachment. This is not to make you feel guilty, but to suggest adjusting your behavior if you're doing this. Fighting within earshot of infants should be avoided even if you think they can't understand. Their physiology is affected and it causes stress. Exposure to this type of stimulus has been shown to cause changes in the brain. Need I say more?

Don't forget your vibe. Infants are expert at picking up a tone of voice or body posture or facial expression and having emotional responses. Learn to compartmentalize and focus on enjoying what you are doing in the moment. I like to do a symbolic gesture of locking my 'troubles' in the car.  Why not set whatever crisis of the moment aside before coming into the house to interact with your family?

Try not to be overcommitted with activities at this time, you and your partner are going through a developmental phase of your own. Becoming parents and raising a family is a huge adjustment in and of itself, and the relationship needs time and attention.

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

And which of my pieces might I have to negotiate away to get the things I most need and want as we move through our daily lives together?

When you are working on challenges, conflicts and unwanted patterns with your loved ones, think about the rules you have created for the game of your relationship, and I challenge you consider...

Which game are you playing?

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

Does your lover ever say to you, "Why are you so defensive!?"
Does she say, "You never listen..."

What we need to understand is that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response. 

When feeling threatened, our ancestors would fight back to keep from being eaten by a bigger or more aggressive or powerful creature. Be it wild animal or another person. 

If we can recognize that defending ourselves is a primitive brain response, we can gain more control over unpleasant emotions and arguments.

The fantasy of the “perfect partner” is so powerful and gratifying that participants in an on-line relationship may seem as if they have lost touch with reality!

Please know that I am not talking about dating web sites where adults connect on-line and then proceed from emailing to phone conversations and texts with the hopeful outcome of meeting in person.   After all, this is the modern world’s way of matchmaking!

In my work with couples, I hear frequently that one partner (I will make him male, but this happens equally to both men and women) is involved with someone he met or connected with on the Internet.  Often the man has hoped to keep the communication secret from his partner, but secrets are really hard to keep and eventually the woman discovers the cyber affair.  

A typical scenario goes like this:  

• The woman reads a text from the Internet friend on her partner’s phone.  She asks him about the person and he tries to shrug it off as "not important".  The woman presses for more information. An argument ensues and he makes her seem overly jealous or crazy. After all he knows he never touches this woman so technically he is not cheating.  Not accepting that answer, the woman knows something is wrong…  so she turns into a private investigator... and searches his phone or computer.  She feels like she has been kicked in the stomach when she discovers a treasure trove of personal even sexual texts and emails!  The man claims this person is “just a friend”. 
  

When I talk to couples where this type of situation is going on, the woman may feel that her partner has been having an affair, even if they haven’t met in person.  A cyber affair feels like infidelity to her because the communication is done secretively and the cyber couple has become emotionally intimate.  The real-life partner feels betrayed and shut out.  Her trust has been violated and usually she is deeply hurt by the deception.

Why is the Internet so seductive?  Because it allows us to create and experience a fantasy world.

Let’s be honest: Sometimes day-to-day life can get to feeling like a struggle or even drudgery with a lot of hard work and few pleasures. The Internet offers us a world where we can pretend to be anyone we want to be.  We can pretend to be younger, more attractive, more adventurous, and more successful.  On the Internet, we can project whatever image we choose, which may or may not have anything to do with reality!  We are also projecting a fantasy onto the person we are communicating with.  We may come to believe and put our faith in fantasies or 'projections' we have imagined about our cyber-lover - that she is much more beautiful, sensitive, understanding, loving, forgiving, or interesting than our real-life partner. 

Often times, people in a cyber relationship disclose extremely personal information to each other.  A man may tell his cyber-lover about a difficult situation at work that he would be afraid to tell his wife for fear of her reaction.  Or he may disclose something he is really ashamed of.   His cyber friend is understanding and soothing and comforting – qualities his wife might not show him.   The cyber couple often share their disappointment in their current marriages or real-life relationships; they sympathize with each and grow close through their shared emotional disclosures.  They believe they have met their soulmate who understands them in a deeper, more intimate way than they will ever achieve with their real-life partner.

Why?  The technology hijacks yours brain.

Just as people get “addicted” to the thrill of video-gaming, the excitement and unpredictability of cyber communication causes your brain to release powerful biochemicals. The thrill of an unexpected text triggers the release of dopamine and norepinephrine.  Your heart starts to race and you feel the powerful stimulation of infatuation, euphoria and “chemistry”.  (www.cyberparent.com/love/chem1.htm)  


Since the texts and emails come at unpredictable times, you begin to check your phone constantly.  You may even sleep with your phone.  You act like a 16-year-old in love.  You are thrilled when you receive a text and despondent when you haven’t heard from your cyber friend in a few hours. On again – off again contact hijacks you – your mood swings up and down depending on whether or not you hear from your friend.  Behavioral psychologists agree that this type of contact, or what is known as   “intermittent reinforcement” is the strongest way to train a person to do something or to reinforce a behavior.  Cyber-reinforcement is a powerful force that can be difficult to resist.

So what is the harm in having a little cyber affair?   

First, your real-life partner cannot possibly compete with the on-line fantasy partner.  She will never measure up to the shared fantasy you have created with your cyber-lover.  So you pull away from your real-life partner:  you spend less time with her, you talk less to her, you aren’t interested in sex with her, and your real-life relationship starts to fail. The main danger of a cyber affair is that it will damage or terminate your real-life relationship whether it is discovered or not.

Second, fantasy is mistaken for reality. Often times, people will carry on cyber affairs for years, in the hopes that they will eventually unite with their cyber-lover and live happily ever after.  This fantasy often comes to a painful conclusion if the cyber-lovers give up their real-life relationships and try to form an integrated physical relationship. 

When you have to deal with the humanity of the real person behind the cyber-lover, you may find that not only does the cyber person not live up to your fantasies, but you have been caught up in a web of deception. You may feel horrible about ever getting involved with that person in the first place, and wonder if you can salvage your real-life relationship. (I can help. Text for an appointment: 310-795-8249.)

Next time:  What do I do to save my real-life relationship after a cyber affair is discovered? 

by Cynthia M. Braden, MFT

In the first parts of this exercise, we asked you to notice and write down the things you want in life, and the reasons you believe you cannot have them, and consider the validity or objective truth of these beliefs. 

In other words, fill in the blanks for the statements above next to the white flowers. These are your Limiting Beliefs. Understand and realize that you Believe in these statements! You are consciously or unconsciously giving your faith, belief and emotional energy to the truth of these statements which reflect the opposite of what you desire. 

For example, My husband doesn't love me anymore, we'll never get back to the way we were. That is a powerful emotional statement that sounds like a fact.

So, I want to challenge you, How can you know that this belief is absolutely true?

Maybe you have received a great deal of feedback from your environment that tells you it's true. However, if you can find one single exception to the statement, then it is not universally true and you can decide to stop believing in notions that are false and do not serve your purpose. Ouch. I'm believing in things which are not even true which continue to bring me more of what I don't want. 

Relationship dynamics are shifting all the time. I cannot know that our relationship will never improve. If I'm believing in that, I'm needlessly headed in the direction of hopelessness.


Next section… Adopt a Reframe